USPS mail collection boxes replaced with incinerators

All United States Postal Service letter collection boxes in the US have been replaced with incinerators disguised as letter collection boxes, the inspector general confirmed today. [...]

Mon Sep 21 2020

EXCLUSIVE: Q of the Q Continuum behind QAnon

In a classic case of mischief making, it turns out the Q behind QAnon is none other than Q of the Q Continuum, The Whale-Lines can reveal. [...]

Wed Sep 16 2020

Lizard people furious no-one takes them seriously any more

Lizard people of the world are in the midst of an identity crisis after years of whack job conspiracy theories have turned them into figures of fun. [...]

Mon Sep 14 2020

Surgeons protest ‘tyranny’ of surgical gloves

The world’s leading surgeons have revolted against the expectation that they wear surgical gloves during operations, calling them ‘instruments of a deep state plot.’ [...]

Wed Sep 09 2020

Closer inspection of Elon Musk’s new ‘Uberwheel’ shows it’s just a unicycle with LED lights on it

Elon Musk is under fire after his supposedly ‘revolutionary’ new product was exposed as a centuries-old idea with light blue LED lights glued on. [...]

Fri Aug 21 2020

Russia shrugs off 58% vaccine fatality rate as ‘collateral damage’

Reports that Russia’s new COVID vaccination kills more than half of those who receive it have been dismissed by the Kremlin as hyperbolic. [...]

Fri Aug 14 2020

REVEALED: Vanquished Martian invaders refused to wear masks

The Martian aliens that terrorised humankind before succumbing to infections died totally needlessly, new evidence revealed today. [...]

Fri Aug 07 2020

Whistleblower treated with dignity and respect

Jessica Jenkins, the woman who blew the whistle on sinister, unconstitutional behaviour in the CIA, has been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for services to democracy. [...]

Sat Aug 01 2020

Senate passes Motivational Posters Act to address crisis

Millions of Americans will receive ‘Hang in there, Baby’ posters as part of a new stimulus package passed by the US Senate earlier today. [...]

Wed Jul 29 2020

Sisyphus rebranded as person arguing with relatives on Facebook

The mythical figure Sisyphus, best known for pushing a big rock up a hill for eternity, has been rebranded as a person arguing with insane relatives on Facebook. [...]

Fri Jul 24 2020

Political debates to be replaced with literal fights to the death

Starting next week political debates of all kinds will be replaced by a gladiator-style combat between candidates. [...]

Sat Jul 18 2020

BREAKING: USA declares war on war

President Donald Trump formally announced the declaration during a rambling, largely improvised speech from the Oval Office earlier today. [...]

Mon Jul 13 2020

Shock, dismay as open letter changes absolutely fucking nothing

The world’s academics, philosophers, and self-appointed free-thinkers are really sad after their open letter about the Oxford comma had zero impact on how people behave and will continue to behave. [...]

Wed Jul 08 2020

Hare loses to tortoise after spending race arguing with rabbits on Twitter

The hare lost in a stunning upset to the tortoise today after wasting all its time and energy arguing with rabbits on the internet. [...]

Sat Jul 04 2020

Government runs perfectly after being sprayed with WD-40

UK democracy is running like a dream after it occurred to a Civil Service intern to try spraying it with the ever-reliable WD-40 spray. [...]

Mon Jun 22 2020

World leader takes a knee, does literally nothing else

Neoliberal sweetheart Anthony Bellow delighted media pundits today by taking a knee in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement before announcing his opposition to any and all structural change. [...]

Fri Jun 12 2020

Willy Wonka declares bankruptcy following string of legal defeats

Wonka had seemed untouchable, but four horrible children have been relentless in their quest for financial compensation after being subject to highly symbolic traumatic events. [...]

Sat May 30 2020

Journalists foiled by ball on string

The development is the latest in a string of journalistic failures, with leaders across the world attending press conferences with balls of yarn, throwing them near any reporters who ask difficult questions. [...]

Thu May 28 2020

Guy who does card tricks at parties finally gets laid

That bloke at social gatherings whose sole personality trait appears to be performing card tricks finally pulled some tail this week. [...]

Tue May 26 2020

Bob Dylan releases two-year, 17,408-verse song

Legendary singer-songwriter Bob Dylan released an epic new song last night, its runtime clocking in at two years, three months, seven days, four hours, and two seconds long. [...]

Sat May 23 2020

Declassified documents reveal Jesus returned, was assassinated by CIA

Christianity has found itself in a bit of conundrum this week following the revelation that Jesus Christ returned to Earth in the 1970s but was killed by government agents before he had a chance to speak to anyone. [...]

Sun May 17 2020

Clumsy DJ drops mixtape in river

Aspiring Michigan DJ Leonard Fleming was mortified yesterday after dropping a shit hot mixtape in the Detroit River by mistake. [...]

Sat May 09 2020

Book sales skyrocket as public invests in Zoom backgrounds

Printed book sales have increased by 247% in the last three months, according to statistics released by the publishing industry. [...]

Sat May 09 2020

Nancy Pelosi delights Democrats by wearing #Resistance pin during political capitulation

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi struck a hammer blow against the Trump administration last night by wearing a #Resistance pin while voting for the Gut Civil Liberties Act. [...]

Thu May 07 2020

Trump sarcastically nukes Canada

President Donald Trump got one over on the liberal media yesterday by eviscerating all life in Canada with dozens of nuclear bombs. [...]

Sat May 02 2020

Satire returns after satirists take badly to real world

The genre of satire is back, baby, after millions of writers and comedians recoiled from the prospect of doing honest work for the rest of their lives. [...]

Wed Apr 29 2020

Obituary: Baxter

Baxter the cat, 11, passed away last week after getting into an ill-judged fight with a fox. [...]

Tue Apr 28 2020

Obituary: Mittens

Mittens the cat, 8, passed away last week after a very, very brief battle with a moving truck. [...]

Sun Apr 26 2020

Satire discontinued following Trump’s latest press conference

The genre of satire has been formally retired after President Donald Trump suggested injecting household cleaning products as a treatment for coronavirus yesterday. [...]

Sat Apr 25 2020

Dow Jones surpasses Christianity as USA’s most popular religion

The Dow Jones Industrial Average has overtaken Christianity as the majority religion in the United States of America, according to data released by the Census Bureau today. [...]

Mon Apr 20 2020

Not having tattoos now cooler than having them, scientists say

Those without tattoos are now officially edgier than those with them, according to an extensive new study published by the Technical University of Munich today. [...]

Fri Apr 17 2020

Relief as only normal porn found on pope’s hacked computer

The Catholic Church breathed a collective sigh of relief today after it was revealed Pope Francis’ hacked computer only contained run of the mill smut. [...]

Wed Apr 15 2020

Ted Cruz melts after intern spills water on him

A national holiday has been declared following the unexpected demise of Texas senator Ted Cruz, who melted into a pile of mush after an intern spilled bottled water on him this morning. [...]

Thu Apr 09 2020

DC elites successfully moved to Truman Show-like dome

The American people are preparing for a bright and beautiful new chapter now that the entirety of Washington DC’s ruling class has been safely contained in a dome much like that featured in the hit motion picture *The Truman Show*. [...]

Fri Apr 03 2020

Democrats ‘unconcerned’ by reports Joe Biden is the Zodiac Killer

The Democratic Party ‘could not be more behind’ presumptive presidential nominee Joe Biden despite pretty compelling evidence that he is guilty of murdering at least seven people. [...]

Mon Mar 30 2020

Hayao Miyazaki announces new films at retirement party

Legendary filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki surprised absolutely no-one last night by admitting he would direct at least three more Studio Ghibli feature films. [...]

Sat Mar 28 2020

Ironically vain Instagram star gets ironic nose job

Tongue-in-cheek Instagram user Brandy Earhart stepped things up a notch today by getting a rhinoplasty. [...]

Fri Mar 27 2020

Dakota Johnson’s feet land starring role in next Tarantino picture

The main character of Quentin Tarantino’s upcoming feature film will be portrayed by Dakota Johnson’s feet. [...]

Wed Mar 25 2020

Alabama to trial child armament scheme

Schoolchildren in Alabama aged seven and up will be issued sawn-off shotguns and buckshot ammo effective immediately, state officials have announced. [...]

Tue Mar 24 2020

Leftists lose election, claim future is theirs

Socialist leaders and activists were bullish after losing an eleventh consecutive national election, claiming a closer look at the demographics proves next time, next time, they would be victorious. [...]

Mon Mar 23 2020

COVID-19 LATEST: White House prescribes burying head in sand

The coronavirus could be on its last legs thanks to a new miracle cure unveiled by the US Government today: burying one’s head in the nearest available sand. [...]

Sat Mar 21 2020

Aliens abducted by Matt Bellamy

In a truly alpha move, rockstar Matt Bellamy stumped skeptics and naysayers alike yesterday by revealing he had abducted two little green aliens from outer space. [...]

Thu Mar 19 2020

UN passes resolution for pirates to be more whimsical

The United Nations has updated the Universal Declaration of Human Rights to mandate that all peoples have a right for their interactions with pirates to be charming and fun. [...]

Sat Mar 14 2020

Statue of Liberty deported to France

The Trump administration continued its crackdown on undocumented immigrants yesterday by shipping the Statue of Liberty back to France. [...]

Mon Mar 09 2020

Record low seven war criminals nominated for Nobel Peace Prize

Human rights groups the world over were elated yesterday when a mere seven war criminals were nominated for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize. [...]

Wed Feb 26 2020

Mosquito rights activists firebomb Raid factory

A mosquito rights group was behind last week’s industrial estate explosion in Bristol, police have confirmed. The attack killed 13 and hospitalised 57 more. [...]

Fri Feb 21 2020

Logan Paul apologises for detonating atom bomb as ‘prank’

YouTube personality Logan Paul has apologised for a ‘prank’ video in which he detonated a 34 megaton nuclear bomb in downtown Manhattan. [...]

Fri Feb 07 2020

Local man mistakes being bright for being exceptional

Layabout Whelan Jones yesterday came to terms with the fact that although he is relatively bright, he really isn’t all that great. [...]

Tue Jan 28 2020

Next FIFA game to add racist abuse controls

The next installment of the FIFA Football video game franchise will include a variety of racist controls, EA confirmed today. [...]

Wed Jan 22 2020

UK government announces plans to build two million unaffordable homes

Conservative party donor and housing secretary Winston Hutherforth III, Esq. vowed not a single one of the luxury builds will cost a penny below four million pounds. [...]

Fri Jan 17 2020

Perfect vacuum discovered in postmodernist college department

A whole new realm of astrophysics may have opened up with the discovery of a perfect vacuum in an Oregon university humanities department last week. [...]

Tue Jan 14 2020

Star Trek spin-off ‘Keeping Up with the Cardassians’ confirmed

A new Star Trek series focusing on the lives of a Cardassian family was announced by CBS today at a celebratory party in Los Angeles. [...]

Tue Jan 07 2020

Well-intentioned, policy-free petition reaches 27 million signatures

Sensible people across the world are imploring policy makers to act after a petition calling for people to be nicer to each other neared 30 million signatures yesterday. [...]

Fri Jan 03 2020

Oasis reunite for car park brawl

Legendary rock brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher succumbed to pressure from fans and met yesterday for a punch up in a Tesco parking lot in London. [...]

Sun Dec 15 2019

Scientists generate electricity from George Orwell spinning in his grave

Researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology made history yesterday by successfully harnessing electricity from George Orwell spinning in his grave. [...]

Thu Nov 28 2019

Nick Clegg hired as spokesperson for North Korea Tourism Agency

Former deputy prime minister Nick Clegg revealed today that he is leaving his role at Facebook in order to serve as chief spokesperson for the North Korea Tourism Agency. [...]

Mon Nov 18 2019

Apple accuses architect of designing HQ ‘built to collapse’

Apple is preparing to file a huge lawsuit against its contractor on Monday, accusing the firm of designing offices with ‘planned collapsibility.’ [...]

Wed Nov 13 2019

Jeremy Corbyn apologises for saying the road to Gulag was paved with good intentions

Labour leader Jeremby Corbyn issued a formal apology today for suggesting Soviet labour camps were well-meaning schemes gone awry. [...]

Thu Oct 17 2019

Stewart Lee tells joke

The comedy world was left reeling last night after ‘‘‘comedian’’’ Stewart Lee told a joke during one of his standup routines. [...]

Tue Oct 08 2019

Twelve unpublished novels found in Harper Lee’s glove compartment

Tonja Cart, the Lee estate’s executor, also claims to have unearthed two graphic novels and a Netflix miniseries script. [...]

Sun Oct 06 2019

Chelsea Clinton’s unborn child announces Senate run

The unborn child of Chelsea Clinton has confirmed its plans to run for the Rhode Island junior senate seat next year. [...]

Thu Sep 26 2019

Jacob Rees-Mogg under fire for wearing 18th century silk pyjamas in Parliament

The right honourable Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. has shrugged off criticism following his appearance in the House of Commons yesterday dressed in blue and white striped pyjamas. [...]

Sat Sep 14 2019