Ted Cruz melts after intern spills water on him
A national holiday has been declared following the unexpected demise of Texas senator Ted Cruz, who melted into a pile of mush after an intern spilled bottled water on him this morning.
Witnesses reported that aids were astonishingly slow to react. Cruz was less than pleased with the lack of urgency shown, vowing with his last breath to see all present “in hell, motherfuckers.”
The clumsy intern in question, Dorothy Bellows of Kansas, 19, is said to be mortified, but has received repeated assurance from Cruz’s constituents, colleagues, and family members that it really isn’t a problem.
“This all goes to show that talk of water shortages is just propaganda from the loony left,” President Trump tweeted five minutes after the incident. “The lovely young Miss Bellows has a bright future in politics. I’ll be keeping a very, very close eye on her. Believe me.”
Cruz had previously been the target of a splashination attempt in 2015, which was why he’d looked like he was melting for the last five years. No foul play is suspected in this case, and even if there was there’s been no suggestion anyone’s fussed about following up on it.