UK Labour Party releases policy-free manifesto in bid to broaden appeal

Sir Keir Starmer wowed his political consultants today by publishing a 90-page Labour manifesto without a single concrete policy position in it.

The document is instead filled to the brim with vaguely inspiring snippets about how things should be better than they are, gosh darn it. “We need to come together and be the nation we know we can be” has been an early favourite, along with “bringing dignity back to Westminster.”

The new tone is a welcome change from the Corbyn years, during which manifestos wasted ink outlining concrete proposals intended to improve the quality of life for working people of all stripes.

“This new manifesto is bold, it’s daring, it’s just what the country needs right now,” said Alastair Campbell as blood streamed from his eyes and ears. “This is a platform we can all believe in with no pressure to implement anything specific.”

Meanwhile, the Conservative Party has filled its new manifesto with poems about the Battle of Britain, rolling hills, and cricket.