Hollywood announces 184 new biopics

Ever pushing the envelope, leading film studios yesterday revealed plans to release a cheap, cynical biopic every other day in 2021.

Projects include Bogart, about Humphrey Bogart; MJ, about Michael Jordan; Hoover, about J. Edgar Hoover; Nina, about Nina Simone; King, about Martin Luther King, Jr.; Plath, about Sylvia Plath; Lennon, about John Lennon; Marilyn, about Marilyn Monroe; Oprah, about Oprah; Hendrix, about Jimi Hendrix; Letterman, about David Letterman; Leno, about Jay Leno; Earhart, about Amelia Earhard; Kerouac, about Jack Kerouac; Rosa, about Rosa Parks; Kim, about Kim Kardashian; Bonaparte, about Napoleon Bonaparte; Joe, about Joseph Stalin; Eleanor, about Eleanor Roosevelt; Joan, about Joan of Arc; and Jimmy, about James Stewart.

Each picture will feature a plodding, pedestrian script, lifeless cinematography, and a lead actor with respectable box office draw who is clearly phoning it in. Several have already been earmarked as Oscar frontrunners.

“The brain trust has been hard at work coming up with brilliant new ideas,” said Warner Bros head Clarence Jutson. “These are the stories people want to see, over and over and over again.”

Also announced were a stop motion animation remake of The Lion King, a live action remake of Toy Story, an animated remake of Citizen Kane, and eighteen more Mission Impossible films.