Tories to retrain as competent leaders

In the spirit of leading by example, the entire UK Conservative government has signed up for apprenticeships in not being breathtakingly useless wankers, with hopes of being fit to govern within four years.

Inspired by the plight of thousands upon thousands of perfectly able workers laid off through no fault of their own during the COVID pandemic, senior government figures thought it was only fair that they hone their own skills when not too busy ignoring overwhelming scientific consensus.

“No more handouts,” said chancellor Rishi Sunak. “It’s about time those in office showed their worth. There are fresh and new opportunities for us to adapt. We Brits have always shown our hardiness in trying times and I’m sure we in government will do the same.”

Sunak is projected to be retrained within six months. Boris Johnson and Priti Patel need several decades to be fit for their respective roles. Michael Gove and Matt Hancock have been deemed totally beyond help and will be put down on Thursday.