Figurative corruption probes to be replaced with very real anal probes

Person putting on a rubber glove
Law enforcement has been told to take ‘an Ice Cube approach' to lubrication

Watchdog organisations around the world today announced plans to step up their investigative processes by replacing strongly worded disapproval with strongly applied rectal equipment when dealing with silk collar criminals.

Starting Monday, enquiries are going to be a lot more… hands on, with tax evaders, political sellouts, stock market gamblers, and other scourges on civilization to be given the demeaning, callous treatment befitting their actions. Prison sentences will be much longer and much, much more unpleasant.

“I’m expecting great results,” US senator Elizabeth Warren told The Whale-Lines. She has been one the policy’s strongest advocates in recent months. “Those fat cats on Wall Street need to know we’re not messing around.”

As part of a broader cultural shift, law enforcement has agreed offences like drug possession and reselling cigarettes will henceforth be met with the kind of chummy ‘oh you’ finger wagging previously reserved for war criminals and sociopathic hedge fund managers.

Though some have expressed concern about the morality of the programme lawmakers insist it’s just a form of advanced regulation.