Marie Antoinette cloned, clone given New York Times op-ed column

Portrait of Marie Antoinette
Ms. Antoinette at the office

Former monarch Marie Antoinette of France has been successfully cloned using DNA samples, with the copy quickly landing a cushy gig writing sublimely out of touch verbal vomit for The New York Times opinion section.

She joins the paper’s all-star opinion lineup of Scrooge McDuck, Monty Burns, and Smaug the dragon.

Renowned for her measured takes and intimate understanding of the plights of working people, Ms. Antoinette has already delighted the intelligencia with articles like ‘Why Diamonds Are More Valuable Than Human Life’ and ‘It’s Time to Talk About Reparations for Displaced Monarchs’.

“We’re delighted to have Marie on board,” said Times editor Dean P. Baquet. “Our opinion pages have always been renowned for their insight and the passionate debates they spark.”

The Whale-Lines understands Ms. Antoinette’s salary could have covered the costs of at least 30 reporters aching to produce cutting edge invesetigative journalism in the public interest.

How, where, and why the former queen of France was cloned in the first place has yet to be addressed by anyone, and never will be.