Political debates to be replaced with literal fights to the death
Starting next week political debates of all kinds will be replaced by a gladiator-style combat between candidates.
No longer will public servants pontificate and lie in pursuit of power. Henceforth leaders will be the strong, the nimble, and the ruthless.
The decision to move away from (ostensibly) substantive policy discussion has proven divisive, with some worried the blood sports will lose sight of the public good. Others are more bullish, and have challenged skeptics to duels.
“Let’s see how smart the so-called experts are when they’re impaled on this trident,” said Conservative MP and former SAS soldier Bennett Barnes.
The first Prime Minister’s Lesions will take place at New White Hart Lane on Tuesday, with early betting suggesting Keir Starmer is the narrow favourite to win.
Broadcasting rights are yet to be determined. They too will be settled by fights to the death.