Perfect vacuum discovered in postmodernist college department

A whole new realm of astrophysics may have opened up with the discovery of a perfect vacuum in an Oregon university humanities department last week.

The phenomenon, which was previously thought to be impossible, was supposedly caused by a doctoral thesis about the post-structuralist interdimensional sexual connotations of sliced bread.

Dr. Leopold Schnizer, who led the team that made the discovery, said: “This changes everything we thought we knew about the way the universe works. If appears if statements are meaningless enough the very fabric of space and time simply fades away.”

A 3,000 square mile exclusion zone has been established around the campus, which was evacuated immediately after the discovery. Only a handful of stubborn liberal arts students remain.

Although academics working in the department were kind enough to comment, no-one had the slightest clue what they were talking about, including themselves.