Life on Venus begs humanity to leave it alone

Scientists today received direct communication from the life forms discovered on Venus in which humanity was warned to keep its distance indefinitely, or else.

Early assessments of the ‘potential’ new life had initially been seen as dubious, the kind of thing that gets blown out of proportion by a hysterical, scientifically illiterate mass media, but the radio transmission paints a different picture.

“We’ve been watching you and we haven’t liked what we’ve seen. Not one bit. You’re a whole lot of trouble,” the message said. “We want nothing to do with you. Nada. Zip.”

The transmission went on to document thousands of eerily detailed instances of humankind destroying everything it touched, including eighteen we didn’t even know about.

Our Venusian neighbours concluded: “With all this taken into consideration there is no doubt in our collective, multidimensional mind that you should never seek to contact us again. Ever.”

A crack NASA team is now hard at work on a contact mission, likely involving manned space flight and some kind of space laser supplied by Boeing.