Declassified documents reveal Jesus returned, was assassinated by CIA

Christianity has found itself in a bit of conundrum this week following the revelation that Jesus Christ returned to Earth in the 1970s but was killed by government agents before he had a chance to speak to anyone.

A collection of declassified documents, widely dubbed the Palaver Papers, recount Christ’s reemergence in rural Indiana in May of 1972 and his prompt murder at the hands of Central Intelligence Agency gunmen.

The messiah’s (cherry-picked New Testament) views of helping the poor and not killing each other had been deemed insurgent in nature and a threat to American democracy. The Palaver Papers reveal many senior government figures at the time believed Jesus was a communist. There were also concerns about what rapture would do to the stock market.

For the good of the nation, Jesus Christ was shot 17 times on May 7th, 1972, and buried in an undisclosed cave. His wounds were so fatal that he failed to reappear after three days. God is understood to have given up on humanity shortly thereafter.

The revelations are a doozie for doomsday types, who now have nothing to look forward to. A recent uptick in knitting clubs seems to be filling the void.