Whistleblower treated with dignity and respect

Jessica Jenkins, the woman who blew the whistle on sinister, unconstitutional behaviour in the CIA, has been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for services to democracy.

The award is the culmination of weeks of fanfare and admiration from the American public, media, and political class, who all recognised Jenkins’ decision to leak evidence of government malpractice as the ultimate act of patriotism.

“I don’t care who knows it, this lady is a hero,” President Trump told assembled press today. “This country has a rich tradition of whistleblowing. It’s how we hold ourselves accountable and prevent ourselves rotting from the inside out.”

Those incriminated by the leaks will be brought to justice, their contempt for rule of law and America’s founding ideals treated as the stains on national history they are.

For her part Jenkins is looking forward to a lifetime of goodwill and peace of mind. She’ll never have to buy another drink that’s for sure.

“I was just doing my civic duty,” a bashful Jenkins told The Whale-Lines last night. “If we can’t hold ourselves accountable what hope does this country really have?”