BREAKING: USA declares war on war

The United States of America is at war with war.

President Donald Trump formally announced the declaration during a rambling, largely improvised speech from the Oval Office earlier today.

“We’re going to get them,” Trump said. “Our fine people will bring hellfire, bombs, fury, all kinds of bad, bad stuff. We won’t stop bombing until we finally have peace on earth, believe me.”

A bipartisan bill quadrupling the military budget has swept through the House and Senate, with Boeing and Lockheed Martin to be given most of the money in exchange for planes, bombs, guns, explosives, and other such tools of death.

The president’s approval rating shot from 34% to 98% in the hours following the announcement, with the American public immediately forgetting any concerns it may have had about inequality, government corruption, or hawkish foreign policy.

No timeframe for victory was mentioned during Trump’s speech, though White House sources say the war on war is likely to last at least 50 years, hopefully more.