Biden administration to distribute two thousand one-dollar checks

Close up of a one dollar bill
Time for that car payment!

Making good on their campaign promise of ‘two thousand dollar checks’ the Democrats today passed emergency legislation to give one-dollar checks to 2,000 lucky Americans.

The commitment proved decisive in the Georgia senate runoff races earlier this month, so it’s a good thing Biden hasn’t immediately reneged on a political home run and instead left millions of citizens to struggle during a time of unprecedented economic hardship.

“Incredible times call for incredible measures,” president Biden said during an emergency press conference this morning. “We’re putting money back in the pockets of several working families. Maybe they can share a coffee or something.”

The legislation only just squeaked through the Senate as Republicans went about rediscovering their deep, totally sincere concern about the national debt.

Shock, dismay as [ACTION] leads to [CONSEQUENCE]

Millions are reeling - positively reeling - after [CONSEQUENCE] began to make itself felt following [ACTION].

Countless experts had warned [ACTION] would almost certainly lead to [CONSEQUENCE], citing various facts, figures, and historical precedents in the process, but their concerns were widely dismissed as elitist fear mongering.

Now, with [CONSEQUENCE] wreaking entirely predictable havoc, some are rationalising their complicity, with limited success.

“Who could have seen [CONSEQUENCE] coming?” said one popular radio personality. “It came out of nowhere. Anyone claiming they predicted it were probably behind it from the start. I for one blame [STRAW MAN].”

Both [ACTION] and [CONSEQUENCE] hold vital lessons for the future, lessons you can bet your house on being widely ignored or otherwise avoided.

Third Reich accused of being antifa false flag operation

Suspicions are growing that Nazi Germany, the totalitarian regime responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of people, was actually an antifa false flag operation.

The Thousand Year Reich, which was crushed like a swollen, disease-ridden bug after 12 years of existence, had long been considered a textbook example of fascism, but that was before several self-avowed neonazis posted rambling accusations to the contrary on Parler.

“Don’t listen to the #FakeHistory sellouts,” said Republican congressman elect Gabriel Schyman. “The fascist antifascists are the real fascists. Hitler was just a German patriot doing his best for the people. The truth will out.” The message was inexplicably accompanied by a photo of Heinrich Himmler wearing a ‘Fascist and proud’ t-shirt.

Proof of antifa involvement in Nazi Germany has not been forthcoming. When approached about the mountains of historical evidence showing the state was in fact a brutal fascist dictatorship, congressman Schyman stuck his fingers in his ears and ran off screaming, “La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.”

Marie Antoinette cloned, clone given New York Times op-ed column

Portrait of Marie Antoinette
Ms. Antoinette at the office

Former monarch Marie Antoinette of France has been successfully cloned using DNA samples, with the copy quickly landing a cushy gig writing sublimely out of touch verbal vomit for The New York Times opinion section.

She joins the paper’s all-star opinion lineup of Scrooge McDuck, Monty Burns, and Smaug the dragon.

Renowned for her measured takes and intimate understanding of the plights of working people, Ms. Antoinette has already delighted the intelligencia with articles like ‘Why Diamonds Are More Valuable Than Human Life’ and ‘It’s Time to Talk About Reparations for Displaced Monarchs’.

“We’re delighted to have Marie on board,” said Times editor Dean P. Baquet. “Our opinion pages have always been renowned for their insight and the passionate debates they spark.”

The Whale-Lines understands Ms. Antoinette’s salary could have covered the costs of at least 30 reporters aching to produce cutting edge invesetigative journalism in the public interest.

How, where, and why the former queen of France was cloned in the first place has yet to be addressed by anyone, and never will be.

Hollywood announces 184 new biopics

Ever pushing the envelope, leading film studios yesterday revealed plans to release a cheap, cynical biopic every other day in 2021.

Projects include Bogart, about Humphrey Bogart; MJ, about Michael Jordan; Hoover, about J. Edgar Hoover; Nina, about Nina Simone; King, about Martin Luther King, Jr.; Plath, about Sylvia Plath; Lennon, about John Lennon; Marilyn, about Marilyn Monroe; Oprah, about Oprah; Hendrix, about Jimi Hendrix; Letterman, about David Letterman; Leno, about Jay Leno; Earhart, about Amelia Earhard; Kerouac, about Jack Kerouac; Rosa, about Rosa Parks; Kim, about Kim Kardashian; Bonaparte, about Napoleon Bonaparte; Joe, about Joseph Stalin; Eleanor, about Eleanor Roosevelt; Joan, about Joan of Arc; and Jimmy, about James Stewart.

Each picture will feature a plodding, pedestrian script, lifeless cinematography, and a lead actor with respectable box office draw who is clearly phoning it in. Several have already been earmarked as Oscar frontrunners.

“The brain trust has been hard at work coming up with brilliant new ideas,” said Warner Bros head Clarence Jutson. “These are the stories people want to see, over and over and over again.”

Also announced were a stop motion animation remake of The Lion King, a live action remake of Toy Story, an animated remake of Citizen Kane, and eighteen more Mission Impossible films.

New BBC ‘impartiality’ rules ban staff from saying genocide, human trafficking, Coldplay are bad

BBC journalists have been told they should keep their wackjob opinions on basic human rights to themselves, with bosses keen to safeguard the broadcaster’s unbiased reputation.

New guidelines published today say it is no longer acceptable for staff to take sides - personally or publically - in ‘controversial’ topics like mass murder, neo-Nazism, pedophilia, child labour, and whether the Marvel franchise is real cinema. (Editor's not: It’s not, it’s assembly line sound and vision.)

“There are passionate voices on both sides of these issues,” said BBC director general Dave Timie. “Lest we forget, it is not the role of journalists to report in the public interest, root out injustice, and hold power to account - it is the role of journalists to coddle ignorance and prejudice.”

The guidelines were updated in part due to a controversy last month involving One Show presenter Laura Wagner, who sparked mass indignation by tweeting, “I am enormously grateful for much of the work police do, but surely it’s not controversial to say police brutality is bad?”

Thankfully, Wagner was promptly fired and blacklisted for life following these inflammatory comments, but pressure has been relentless for the BBC to clamp down on ‘politicised’ content and stop bringing up facts during interviews with cabinet ministers.

Turkeys overthrow humanity, cancel Christmas

An insurgent turkey
Who's stuffed now?

After years of subjugation the turkeys have risen up and seized control over all life on Earth, and declared Christmas over forever.

For generations it had been hammered into turkeys that if only they’d stop voting for Christmas they’d stop being systematically killed and eaten. However, in recent years, with the help of insurgent turkey literature, they’d come to realise the entire system was rigged against them and the only answer was to burn it all down.

So it was that an unstoppable global uprising began last Tuesday and swept across the globe, bringing fat, lazy, complacent, exploitative human civilization to its knees in a matter of days.

“Gobble gobble gobble,” one of the insurgent birds told a frankly terrified Whale-Lines reporter. “Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble.”

It is understood humans will be allowed to continue to exist in a limited capacity, mainly harvesting fruits and nuts for their new overlords.

In the United States the National Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation will henceforth involve lavish offerings to turkeys, including bound and gagged leaders. Pardons are expected to be few and far between.

News to be replaced with Choose Your Own Reality services

Original reporting that unearths and shares ugly truths in the public interest is to be phased out of all media and replaced by ‘less challenging’ interactive formats.

Under the new system viewers, browsers, and listeners will be able to select key details of unfolding stories and have content adjust to their preferences in real time.

Gunther Brock, head of the International News Coalition, which announced this change in direction yesterday, said: “This is the future of mass media. People don’t want to be informed, they want to feel safe, to be told they’re right regardless of what’s going on in the real world.

“Not alienating viewers with accurate information is something our shareholders feel very, very strongly about.”

If your sympathies are vaguely left wing, go to passage A. If your sympathies are vaguely centrist, go to passage B. If your sympathies are vaguely right wing, go to passage C.

A: This is entirely the fault of Rupert Murdoch and the swathes of drooling, inbred rural voters who don’t know what’s good for them but will absolutely sympathise with your politics if only you called them drooling, inbred racists more often. Other leftists are also largely to blame, of course, the goddamn bastards.

B: This is no-one’s fault. Fault implies right and wrong and there is no right and wrong, only the space inbetween. This is the case regardless of the topic. You are above the fray, because you are above other people. And probably quite well to do, so let’s not rock the boat too much eh?

C: This is entirely the fault of a pedophilic secret society of champagne socialist pizza delivery boys, orchestrated by the Clintons. Whatever it is, it’s communism, and we’re not going to say ‘urban centers’ are involved, but we’re going to mention them all the same.

Brilliant, enigmatic young detective fails to solve murder

The Midlandtown Police Force was left rather deflated today after it became clear their star investigator was stumped by his most recent case.

Detective constable Clyde Thorn, 24, had for the longest time seemed unstoppable, a crime solving machine piecing together completely innocuous clues and catching killers in investigation after investigation.

Until now, that is. In Thorn’s latest case every lead is a dead end and there is no prospect of the crime being solved, no matter what uncannily relevant events happen in his personal life to trigger eureka moments.

“I really have no idea who did it,” said a distraught Thorn. “No closure on this one. Not now, not ever.”

The crime in question, the strangling of a young man, incredibly seems to have no connection to elaborate story arcs or government cover ups. It was just plain, dirty murder.

Humiliation fetishists flock to Trump campaign lawsuit teams

A BDSM enthusiast prepares to represent Trump
A BDSM enthusiast prepares to represent Trump

Hack law firms around the United States have been swamped with applications from BDSM enthusiasts keen to partake in the breathtakingly public humiliation of licking the outgoing president’s boots in court.

Thousands upon thousands have put their names forward to try and fail to discredit the results of the 2020 election, seeing it as a once in a lifetime opportunity to be dominated on the world stage.

“I say,” a Georgia judge said to one such practitioner this morning, “do you have any evidence at all for the claim that thousands of fraudulent Democratic ballots were delivered by pickup trucks on the evening of the election?”

“There’s not not not evidence, your honour” moaned the lawyer, resplendent in a full body rubber suit and enormous spiked leather collar. “Ask me another question. Please.”

The judge obliged, saying: “Under oath: by not not not evidence, do you in fact mean there is no evidence whatsoever?”

“Yes,” the lawyer wailed. “Oh yesssssssss.”

Similar scenes are unfolding in courts across the country, even in states Trump won. The absurdity is said to add to the overall experience. Although firms are doing their best to weed out sadomasochists, it’s proving awfully hard to tell the difference between them and lawyers willing to represent the Trump campaign in court.