The Whale-Lines

USPS mail collection boxes replaced with incinerators

All United States Postal Service letter collection boxes in the US have been replaced with incinerators disguised as letter collection boxes, the inspector general confirmed today.

The swap involved more than 150,000 boxes and was supposedly caused by ‘a paperwork error.’ Said paperwork has itself been lost due to ‘an incineration error.’ Details of who made the new boxes and how much they were paid are unavailable for the same reason.

“Whoopsie,” said postmaster general Louis DeJoy in a statement released this morning. “Honest mistake. I have complete faith the American people will adapt to these complications in due course.”

Democrats have claimed this mixup is actually a devious attempt to suppress mail-in votes ahead of the presidential election on November 3rd. When asked by The Whale-Lines for comment Mr. DeJoy laughed maniacally and hung up the phone.

The mistake cannot be reversed as the removed boxes were immediately melted down and turned into fencing to be used at Immigration and Customs Enforcement detention centres.

EXCLUSIVE: Q of the Q Continuum behind QAnon

Q of the Q Continuum enjoying a drink

In a classic case of mischief making it turns out the Q behind QAnon is none other than Q of the Q Continuum, The Whale-Lines can reveal.

The rapscallious, flamboyant demigod, best known for terrorising the crew of the Starship Enterprise, has been orchestrating the conspiracy for years as a test of humanity’s critical thinking skills.

“Needless to say, you’ve failed miserably,” Q told Whale-Line staff during a melodramatic and dimension-bending monologue regarded by all present as somewhat overblown. “Humanity is doomed as doomed gets, and good riddance.”

The QAnon conspiracy — reported anonymously online by a government insider using the moniker ‘Q’ — documents the struggle for power between Donald Trump and Satan-worshipping, child-trafficking peodophile Democrats and film stars. It is taken seriously by millions.

“I mean really,” Q continued while turning the editor’s desk into delicious strawberry jelly, “by the end I was reaching for the most outlandish stuff possible just to see how far it could go. Some people really will believe anything.”

The Q had previously suspected humans were capable of one day matching their own near-omnipotent state of being. Their opinion of us has now slipped to somewhere between house cats and earthworms.

Lizard people furious no-one takes them seriously any more

Lizard people of the world are in the midst of an identity crisis after years of whack job conspiracy theories have turned them into figures of fun.

Once feared for their conniving, disruptive, often downright nefarious tendencies, our reptilian would-be overlords are no longer taken seriously in villainous circles. If anything their involvement is viewed as a hindrance.

“Dastardly organisations won’t give us a look in any more,” lizard person Arllok Shivr told The Whale-Lines. “Our stock has gone way down. They mainly go in for PR execs and lobbyists these days.”

Unemployment in the lizard people community hit a historic high of 67 percent last week, with many more reportedly underemployed as janitors and truck drivers. Rising human blood prices have also led to an increase in lizard people hunger.

The Society Committed to the Advancement of Lizard Evildoing (SCALE) is holding crisis talks in its Alpine lair later this month, though expectation of a breakthrough is low.

Surgeons protest ‘tyranny’ of surgical gloves

The world’s leading surgeons have revolted against the expectation that they wear surgical gloves during operations, calling them ‘instruments of a deep state plot.’

For years the medical profession had thought gloves were a sensible, utterly uncontroversial way of minimising risk of infection during surgery. However, after reading several source-free posts that were making the rounds on Facebook they now realise gloves breach their human rights and are quite likely tools of communist insurgency.

“These glove nazis need to back off,” said Dr Eli Jipping, co-founder of the Gloves Off campaign. “I ain’t no sheep. I’ll dip my hands in manure before performing open heart surgery I don’t give a fuck.”

Why exactly rubber gloves have become a political issue remains something of mystery, though Facebook engagement rates have been terrific lately. Just terrific. Advertisers are delighted.

Meanwhile, complications from previously routine surgical procedures have skyrocketed in recent weeks, matching 19th century rates with uncanny accuracy.

Closer inspection of Elon Musk’s new ‘Uberwheel’ shows it’s just a unicycle with LED lights on it

Elon Musk is under fire after his supposedly ‘revolutionary’ new product was exposed as a centuries-old idea with light blue LED lights glued on.

Global press had lost its collective mind over the so-called ‘Uberwheel’, which Musk claimed would end world hunger and make owners irresistible to the opposite sex.

However, leaked footage of the product having its lights glued on went viral this week, with millions realising Musk and his sycophants were totally full of shit.

“I just can’t believe it,” said Reddit user PegMeElon. “The Uberwheel seemed so cool when the press was publishing Tesla press releases uncritically.”

Some have even started to suspect that the accompanying ‘Uberway’ concept is actually just regular cycling paths, with LED lights on them.

For his part Musk remains defiant, spending most of last night publishing increasingly erratic tweets about Marxism, peodophiles, and gender pronouns in Pokemon.

Russia shrugs off 58% vaccine fatality rate as ‘collateral damage’

Reports that Russia’s new COVID vaccination kills more than half of those who receive it have been dismissed by the Kremlin as hyperbolic.

Vaccinations began in Moscow yesterday evening and early dispatches suggest the vaccine has nasty side effects like shutting down nervous systems and rupturing spleens, with most recipients dying within hours of injection.

“You’ve got to look at the full context,” president Vladimir Putin said in a statement released earlier today. “Yes, there has been some collateral damage, but see also that COVID deaths have plummeted.”

Speaking of plummeting, several clumsy Russian scientists who criticised the speed with which the vaccine was being moved into production have died after falling out of various thirtieth storey windows.

The Russian government has confirmed it intends to continue rolling out the vaccine to the surviving population, thus getting one up on the rest of the world.

REVEALED: Vanquished Martian invaders refused to wear masks

The Martian aliens that terrorised humankind before succumbing to infections died totally needlessly, new evidence revealed today.

Wielding extraordinary power in the form of three-legged death machines, our Martian neighbours were on track to enslave and/or liquidate all of humanity before succumbing to a nasty virus called GHOBLAR-1897. Although harmless to humans, it killed Martians within days of infection.

Decrypted internal communications reveal that Martian scientists were well aware of the mortal danger posed by GHOBLAR and told invaders to wear masks to ensure the transmission rate stayed below one.

However, the illness was widely dismissed as a Venusian hoax, with Bill Gates inexplicably singled out as an Earth-based colluder. By the time our would-be conquerors realised their mistake, it was too late.

Dispatches from Mars suggest a second invasion is not imminent, giving us ample time to reverse engineer Martian weapons and destroy ourselves first.

Whistleblower treated with dignity and respect

Jessica Jenkins, the woman who blew the whistle on sinister, unconstitutional behaviour in the CIA, has been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for services to democracy.

The award is the culmination of weeks of fanfare and admiration from the American public, media, and political class, who all recognised Jenkins’ decision to leak evidence of government malpractice as the ultimate act of patriotism.

“I don’t care who knows it, this lady is a hero,” President Trump told assembled press today. “This country has a rich tradition of whistleblowing. It’s how we hold ourselves accountable and prevent ourselves rotting from the inside out.”

Those incriminated by the leaks will be brought to justice, their contempt for rule of law and America’s founding ideals treated as the stains on national history they are.

For her part Jenkins is looking forward to a lifetime to goodwill and peace of mind. She’ll never have to buy another drink that’s for sure.

“I was just doing my civic duty,” a bashful Jenkins told The Whale-Lines last night. “If we can’t hold ourselves accountable what hope does this country really have?”

Senate passes Motivational Posters Act to address crisis

'Hang in There, Baby' poster

Millions of Americans will receive ‘Hang in there, Baby’ posters as part of a new stimulus package passed by the US Senate earlier today.

With tens of millions of Americans facing eviction, unemployment, loss of health insurance, and being disappeared in unmarked federal vehicles, the US government is confident these posters will be enough to see the nation through the coming months.

“Let it never be said the US government didn’t rise to the occasion,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “I hope all you sniveling scum will now shut the fuck up about stimulus packages.”

The posters will come in three colours - red, white, and blue - and feature various breeds of cute, supportive cats.

Late amendments to the bill also stipulated that corporation tax no longer exists and martial law is now in effect nationwide.

The bill passed by 93-7, enjoying near-unanimous bipartisan support.

Sisyphus rebranded as person arguing with relatives on Facebook

The mythical figure Sisyphus, best known for pushing a big rock up a hill for eternity, has been rebranded as a person arguing with insane relatives on Facebook.

The Greek Ministry of Culture and Sports formally passed the change yesterday afternoon by a majority of seven. It is the first time a mythical character has been formally updated.

“We are immeasurably proud of our cultural heritage, of course, but we need to move with the times,” said minister Lina Mendoni. “This brings Sisyphus into the 21st century while maintaining the futility and despair that makes him such a beloved cultural figure.”

Much of Sisyphus’s backstory is unchanged. He remains a hubristic trickster king of Ephyra, all that has changed is the punishment he received. Whereas before he rolled a huge boulder endlessly up a steep hill, now he is chained to a desktop computer trying to reason with aggressively ignorant relatives.

Futile topics include 5G towers, holocaust denial, immigration policy, gender roles, lizard people, and the cultural significance of the TV show Friends.

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