Shock, dismay as film remake nobody asked for turns out to be a pile of hot garbage

The film industry has been left reeling by the revelation that a supposed surefire moneymaker rehashing the first film of [BELOVED FRANCHISE] has bombed at the box office.

Numbers released yesterday by Box Office Funk showed that a remake of [CLASSIC FILM] grossly underperformed during its opening weekend, rubbing salt in the proverbial wound after a series of breathtakingly scathing reviews.

“I just don’t get it,” said studio head Willam B. Bland. “People loved the film the last time we made it. Why they aren’t flooding into cinemas to watch an inferior version is beyond me.”

Hopes had been high that the film, which reimagines [CLASSIC FILM] using stop motion animation and features a star-studded cast of non-voice actors, would be a runaway hit and lay the groundwork for even more remakes.

Following crisis talks last night studio executives revealed a bold new direction for [BELOVED FRANCHISE] - shifting focus to prequels and origin stories for every single insignificant detail in the original films.

It is understood that all key decision makers will be retaining their positions and receiving a tidy bonus.

Tyson Fury beats giant can of chopped tomatoes on points

Tyson Fury throws a punch at a giant can of chopped tomatoes
Fury landed 134 punches over 12 rounds

Heavyweight champion Tyson Fury retained his WBC belt last night with a professional display against a seven-foot tall can of finely chopped Italian tomatoes.

Fury, 34, kept his cool fighting in front of a Wembley crowd of 80,000 fans to win a split decision against the aluminium container, which was unable to put him under sustained pressure despite holding the centre of the ring for vast portions of the fight.

"It was a battle for the ages," Fury said afterwards. "The people in the crowd will be able tell their grandkids they were here tonight. That's priceless. This is another brick in the temple of my legacy."

There has been talk of an immediate rematch, but failing that Fury hinted he'd be interested in a fourth fight against home favourite Derek Chisora.

Spielberg’s ‘A.I.’ to be remade but 50% stupider

Steven Spielberg’s sci-fi film A.I. Artificial Intelligence is set to be completely reshot to reflect the realities of the technology, Warner Bros. announced today.

In the wake of the release of technologies like ChatGPT and Bard the consensus has been that the 2001 film had been far too generous in its depiction of androids, be they sex workers or neglected children.

“We were way off the mark,” said Spielberg in a statement released yesterday. “This decision may seem premature given the film is set in the 22nd century, but it’s already clear artificial intelligence is going to be much seedier than we’d imagined.”

A revamped version of the script leaked to the Whale-Lines reveals a number of crucial tweaks, including the ‘mecha’ robots inexplicably making things up and doubling down when called out on it.

The presence of love in the film - synthetic or otherwise - has also been edited out and replaced with more surface level gratification like sex and shopping.

Other dystopian elements from the original, like rising sea levels and the eventual extinction of the human race, have remained untouched.

George Orwell books to be rereleased without 'problematic' content

George Orwell’s books and other writings are being rereleased without language and content deemed offensive by its publisher.

“We want to be sensitive to those who may find Orwell’s work unsettling,” said Simon & Schuster CEO Cleveland Drip in a statement released today. “These changes will make his works palatable to a whole new generation.”

Changes include new passages in Nineteen Eighty-Four about how O’Brien had to make pragmatic, tough choices in order to change Big Brother from the inside.

Meanwhile Boxer - the horse in Animal Farm - instead of being slaughtered at the knackers yard now lives happily ever after on another farm in the next town over.

Perhaps most egregiously of all, Orwell’s essay on how to make a good cup of tea has been changed to say that people should put milk in first. Sick. Just sick.

Disney completes acquisition of Argentina

The Walt Disney Company completed its acquisition of the nation of Argentina today, the first step in what is expected to be a full South American takeover.

The $2.7 trillion deal was finalised after weeks of negotiation, with the Argentinian government keen to close after defaulting on the entire national debt.

Disney CEO Robert Iger said: “We couldn’t be more delighted to bring Argentina into the Disney family. We’ve been great admirers since their government became insolvent and are now looking forward to working together on magical new projects.”

These magical new projects are rumoured to include turning the northern half of the country into a theme park - provisionally called Disney Nation - and most of the southern half into an enormous sweatshop complex in which shoddy Disney products will be manufactured en masse.

Iger went on to assure nationals that there will be plenty of opportunities to find work dressed as various beloved Disney characters. Those unable to find employment will be liquidated.

Lockheed Martin cuts ties with Kanye West over anti-Semitic remarks

Arms manufacturer Lockheed Martin has ‘drawn a line in the sand’ and axed its business connections with the artist formerly known as Kanye West.

Lockheed Martin, best known for its industry-leading drones and napalm bombs, has been under increasing to public pressure to condemn West’s recent comments.

“We do not tolerate antisemitism or any other form of hate speech. Mr West’s recent actions are totally at odds with the values of Lockheed Martin,” said CEO Mike Ghuflin in a statement that subsequent tests have shown was literally written in children’s blood.

Lockheed Martin, whose values include ‘Do What's Right’ and ‘Respect Others’, has long been leading voice in humanity’s quest to build a fairer, more harmonious world.

An estimated 13% of Lockheed Martin’s revenue last year was from its Yeezy line of carpet bombs.

Jordan Petersen breaks down in tears after being asked for directions to the train station

Two tourists got more than they bargained for when they approached Canadian academic Jordan Peterson and asked him how to get to Union Station in Toronto.

Deeply moved by the question, Peterson burst into tears and began talking about mental health, mythology, and lobsters.

“It’s good of you to ask,” he said while failing to give any information about where the station may or may not be. “You can’t put a station in a box. None of us can. Who would really want to anyway? Who would be that sick?”

The tourists thanked Peterson for his time and got directions from someone else in time to catch their train.

Demand grows for competent tyrants

The huddled masses of the world are pining to be under the thumb of better despots, according to a new survey published by the University of Bristol yesterday.

Although most of the interviewees (12,064 from 112 countries) were resigned to the inevitability of unpleasant people being in charge, the consensus is that world leaders need to be more impressive subjugators.

“It’s not a lot to ask,” said underemployed, heavily indebted millennial Gunther Polvin. “If we’re going to have our freedoms trampled on, our labour wrung dry, and our futures sold down the river, we’d at least like the people on top to be smarter than us. Them being stupid just rubs salt in the wound.”

Another participant simply said: “Give us Machiavellian schemers, not reality TV stars.”

The survey also revealed a growing demand for a global revolution of the antiletariat that instates more accomplished bastards as heads of state.

Keir Starmer denies having Jeremy Corbyn edited out of old Labour photos

Labour Party leader Keir Starmer has brushed off claims that Jeremy Corbyn has been purged from the party’s recent history.

Corbyn, who some claim was leader of the Labour Party as recently as 2019, is conspicuously absent from thousands of photographs people could have sworn he was in before.

“I don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about,” Starmer said. “I don’t even know who you’re talking about. Jeremy who? Never heard of him.”

According to inside sources, this alleged rewriting of history is part of a broader strategy to narrow Labour’s appeal by alienating leftwing non-voters and appearing like simpering cowards to conservatives.

On the upside, any and all footage of that White Stripes-inspired chant has also been destroyed.

Matt Hancock apologises for fucking your wife

Matt Hancock smiles while apologising for fucking your wife
Mr. Hancock overwhelmed by remorse

Former British health secretary and international sex symbol Matt Hancock today issued a formal apology for making sweet love to your missus at the height of lockdown.

“My bad,” Hancock said through a shit-eating grin. “I messed up big time and I won’t do it again.”

Hancock has since issued a second apology for being caught doing the horizontal shuffle with your wife again just minutes after the first apology. “Sorry,” he said. “Very, very sorry.”

For those of you who think you don’t have a wife, you do, and Matt Hancock gave her the night of her life. He has something you don’t. Yes, it’s true.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has shrugged off pressure to expel Hancock from the Conservative party for repeatedly boning your soulmate. “Who hasn’t?” he said, before high-fiving a nearby aide.