Love discontinued after quantitative assessment finds it ‘lacking in value’

The emotion of love is to be phased out of human nature after a cutting edge study found it to be incompatible with planetary culture.

Designed by a handful of CTOs during an afternoon meeting, the FUTILE assessment uses a made up scoring system to measure all human feelings. Qualities that fall short of expectations will be purged from the species using a mix of eugenics and aggressive shock treatments.

“The human race has always believed deeply in progress, in quick wins and growth” said senior project lead Joel Jones. “We’ve heard and feigned consideration of arguments in favour of love, but the cold, hard, scientific truth is it fails all of our arbitrarily chosen and lazily measured metrics.”

He concluded: “I fully appreciate that passions are running high right now. Luckily, that won’t be a problem for much longer.”

The FUTILE assessment had a sample size of 8,748,006. Although the study found love to be a fantastic motivator, it rarely motivated people to do things the study’s designers approved of.

Empathy, loyalty, moral codes, and irreverence are also to be purged in good time.

Tories to retrain as competent leaders

In the spirit of leading by example, the entire UK Conservative government has signed up for apprenticeships in not being breathtakingly useless wankers, with hopes of being fit to govern within four years.

Inspired by the plight of thousands upon thousands of perfectly able workers laid off through no fault of their own during the COVID pandemic, senior government figures thought it was only fair that they hone their own skills when not too busy ignoring overwhelming scientific consensus.

“No more handouts,” said chancellor Rishi Sunak. “It’s about time those in office showed their worth. There are fresh and new opportunities for us to adapt. We Brits have always shown our hardiness in trying times and I’m sure we in government will do the same.”

Sunak is projected to be retrained within six months. Boris Johnson and Priti Patel need several decades to be fit for their respective roles. Michael Gove and Matt Hancock have been deemed totally beyond help and will be put down on Thursday.

Life on Venus begs humanity to leave it alone

Scientists today received direct communication from the life forms discovered on Venus in which humanity was warned to keep its distance indefinitely, or else.

Early assessments of the ‘potential’ new life had initially been seen as dubious, the kind of thing that gets blown out of proportion by a hysterical, scientifically illiterate mass media, but the radio transmission paints a different picture.

“We’ve been watching you and we haven’t liked what we’ve seen. Not one bit. You’re a whole lot of trouble,” the message said. “We want nothing to do with you. Nada. Zip.”

The transmission went on to document thousands of eerily detailed instances of humankind destroying everything it touched, including eighteen we didn’t even know about.

Our Venusian neighbours concluded: “With all this taken into consideration there is no doubt in our collective, multidimensional mind that you should never seek to contact us again. Ever.”

A crack NASA team is now hard at work on a contact mission, likely involving manned space flight and some kind of space laser supplied by Boeing.

God admits selling prayer data to advertisers

The all powerful creator of the universe today acknowledged that it has been selling prayer data to advertisers for at least six years.

What had previously been considered divinely private information has in fact been systematically funnelled to companies like Apple, Disney, and Konami so they can better market garbage products no-one really needs.

“Ad revenue is crucial to our growth strategy,” an afterlife spokesentity said yesterday. “Rest assured we have the utmost respect for the anonymity of everyone who prays, which is just as well because you wouldn’t believe some of the smut people send our way. Really hinky stuff.”

The spokesentity refused to comment on reports god, best known currently by monikers like Yahweh and Allah, called devout followers “dumb bastards” during a recent meeting with stockholders.

The revelations have also led to concerns about the security of prayer data, with several hobbyists claiming you can listen to them live using customised radio equipment.

Vince McMahon wins presidential debate with devastating top rope finish

Vince McMahon performing a flying elbow drop against vice president Joe Biden
Vince McMahon mid flight

Registered voters say Vince McMahon was the clear winner in 2020’s first presidential debate, with the WWE chairman and CEO putting in an imperious display against Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

Live polling of the event showed Biden and Trump as equally unpopular in the minutes before McMahon appeared out of nowhere to hit them both with a steel chair in one swing.

A reeling Trump tagged in Jared Kushner, who was promptly thrown clear out of the ring by the inexplicably shirtless Joe Biden.

“Trump performed well in the trash talk,” said CNN political analyst David Gergen, “but fleeing the building was a mistake. People wanted to see a show.”

In a post-debate survey of 14,408 registered voters, 57 percent said the most important moment of the night was when Biden lay down to take a nap and McMahon capitalised with a breathtaking flying elbow drop from the top rope.

The debate, which lasted four hours and featured no policy questions, beautifully sets up the upcoming vice presidential showdown between Mike Pence and Kamala Harris. Hulk Hogan refused to comment on rumours of his involvement.

Person learns from mistake

A humble Illinois carpenter made history yesterday by becoming the first human this millennia to genuinely learn from a mistake.

Leonard Hurst, 24, had been ostracised by friends and family after destroying the facade of a local family business in a fit of drunken rage. After reflecting on his actions he made a genuine effort to work on himself and avoid the same mistake repeating itself in the future.

Hurst said: “I looked at what happened, what I did, the context, and whatever else went on there was no escaping the fact there were things I could and should have done better. From now on, I will be better.”

Hurst’s friends and family are reportedly very proud of him, as they know people have an infuriating knack of talking about learning from their mistakes before going back to doing exactly what they were doing before.

It had been more than 50 years since a person last learned from a mistake. In 1954 one Ashley Barnes realised buying unessential items she didn’t have money for did more harm than good and adjusted her spending accordingly.

UN recognises PowerPoint presentations as torture

Long, boring, corporate jargon-filled PowerPoint presentations are at long last a recognised form of torture, the United Nations announced today.

The ruling, which was added to the United Nations Convention against Torture treaty this morning, is the culmination of decades of campaigning by anguished office workers, civil servants, and other unfortunate subordinates to managers with no real purpose or skill.

“It would be depraved to argue such presentations don’t fall under cruel, inhuman, or degrading treatment,” said secretary-general of the United Nations António Guterres. “Few experiences are more fatal to the human spirit than having to pretend to care about company growth, KPIs, and quick wins.”

An international coalition of middle managers has already formed to challenge the verdict, arguing PowerPoint presentations are not torturous so much as they are an advanced motivation technique.

USPS mail collection boxes replaced with incinerators

All United States Postal Service letter collection boxes in the US have been replaced with incinerators disguised as letter collection boxes, the inspector general confirmed today.

The swap involved more than 150,000 boxes and was supposedly caused by ‘a paperwork error.’ Said paperwork has itself been lost due to ‘an incineration error.’ Details of who made the new boxes and how much they were paid are unavailable for the same reason.

“Whoopsie,” said postmaster general Louis DeJoy in a statement released this morning. “Honest mistake. I have complete faith the American people will adapt to these complications in due course.”

Democrats have claimed this mixup is actually a devious attempt to suppress mail-in votes ahead of the presidential election on November 3rd. When asked by The Whale-Lines for comment Mr. DeJoy laughed maniacally and hung up the phone.

The mistake cannot be reversed as the removed boxes were immediately melted down and turned into fencing to be used at Immigration and Customs Enforcement detention centres.

EXCLUSIVE: Q of the Q Continuum behind QAnon

Q of the Q Continuum playing the trumpet
Q lapping it up

In a classic case of mischief making it turns out the Q behind QAnon is none other than Q of the Q Continuum, The Whale-Lines can reveal.

The rapscallious, flamboyant demigod, best known for terrorising the crew of the Starship Enterprise, has been orchestrating the conspiracy for years as a test of humanity’s critical thinking skills.

“Needless to say, you’ve failed miserably,” Q told Whale-Line staff during a melodramatic and dimension-bending monologue regarded by all present as somewhat overblown. “Humanity is doomed as doomed gets, and good riddance.”

The QAnon conspiracy — reported anonymously online by a government insider using the moniker ‘Q’ — documents the struggle for power between Donald Trump and Satan-worshipping, child-trafficking peodophile Democrats and film stars. It is taken seriously by millions.

“I mean really,” Q continued while turning the editor’s desk into delicious strawberry jelly, “by the end I was reaching for the most outlandish stuff possible just to see how far it could go. Some people really will believe anything.”

The Q had previously suspected humans were capable of one day matching their own near-omnipotent state of being. Their opinion of us has now slipped to somewhere between house cats and earthworms.

Lizard people furious no-one takes them seriously any more

A lizard person sitting in a boardroom chair
Arllok Shivr at a lizard people meeting

Lizard people of the world are in the midst of an identity crisis after years of whack job conspiracy theories have turned them into figures of fun.

Once feared for their conniving, disruptive, often downright nefarious tendencies, our reptilian would-be overlords are no longer taken seriously in villainous circles. If anything their involvement is viewed as a hindrance.

“Dastardly organisations won’t give us a look in any more,” lizard person Arllok Shivr told The Whale-Lines. “Our stock has gone way down. They mainly go in for PR execs and lobbyists these days.”

Unemployment in the lizard people community hit a historic high of 67 percent last week, with many more reportedly underemployed as janitors and truck drivers. Rising human blood prices have also led to an increase in lizard people hunger.

The Society Committed to the Advancement of Lizard Evildoing (SCALE) is holding crisis talks in its Alpine lair later this month, though expectation of a breakthrough is low.