News to be replaced with Choose Your Own Reality services

Original reporting that unearths and shares ugly truths in the public interest is to be phased out of all media and replaced by ‘less challenging’ interactive formats.

Under the new system viewers, browsers, and listeners will be able to select key details of unfolding stories and have content adjust to their preferences in real time.

Gunther Brock, head of the International News Coalition, which announced this change in direction yesterday, said: “This is the future of mass media. People don’t want to be informed, they want to feel safe, to be told they’re right regardless of what’s going on in the real world.

“Not alienating viewers with accurate information is something our shareholders feel very, very strongly about.”

If your sympathies are vaguely left wing, go to passage A. If your sympathies are vaguely centrist, go to passage B. If your sympathies are vaguely right wing, go to passage C.

A: This is entirely the fault of Rupert Murdoch and the swathes of drooling, inbred rural voters who don’t know what’s good for them but will absolutely sympathise with your politics if only you called them drooling, inbred racists more often. Other leftists are also largely to blame, of course, the goddamn bastards.

B: This is no-one’s fault. Fault implies right and wrong and there is no right and wrong, only the space inbetween. This is the case regardless of the topic. You are above the fray, because you are above other people. And probably quite well to do, so let’s not rock the boat too much eh?

C: This is entirely the fault of a pedophilic secret society of champagne socialist pizza delivery boys, orchestrated by the Clintons. Whatever it is, it’s communism, and we’re not going to say ‘urban centers’ are involved, but we’re going to mention them all the same.

Brilliant, enigmatic young detective fails to solve murder

The Midlandtown Police Force was left rather deflated today after it became clear their star investigator was stumped by his most recent case.

Detective constable Clyde Thorn, 24, had for the longest time seemed unstoppable, a crime solving machine piecing together completely innocuous clues and catching killers in investigation after investigation.

Until now, that is. In Thorn’s latest case every lead is a dead end and there is no prospect of the crime being solved, no matter what uncannily relevant events happen in his personal life to trigger eureka moments.

“I really have no idea who did it,” said a distraught Thorn. “No closure on this one. Not now, not ever.”

The crime in question, the strangling of a young man, incredibly seems to have no connection to elaborate story arcs or government cover ups. It was just plain, dirty murder.

Humiliation fetishists flock to Trump campaign lawsuit teams

A BDSM enthusiast prepares to represent Trump
A BDSM enthusiast prepares to represent Trump

Hack law firms around the United States have been swamped with applications from BDSM enthusiasts keen to partake in the breathtakingly public humiliation of licking the outgoing president’s boots in court.

Thousands upon thousands have put their names forward to try and fail to discredit the results of the 2020 election, seeing it as a once in a lifetime opportunity to be dominated on the world stage.

“I say,” a Georgia judge said to one such practitioner this morning, “do you have any evidence at all for the claim that thousands of fraudulent Democratic ballots were delivered by pickup trucks on the evening of the election?”

“There’s not not not evidence, your honour” moaned the lawyer, resplendent in a full body rubber suit and enormous spiked leather collar. “Ask me another question. Please.”

The judge obliged, saying: “Under oath: by not not not evidence, do you in fact mean there is no evidence whatsoever?”

“Yes,” the lawyer wailed. “Oh yesssssssss.”

Similar scenes are unfolding in courts across the country, even in states Trump won. The absurdity is said to add to the overall experience. Although firms are doing their best to weed out sadomasochists, it’s proving awfully hard to tell the difference between them and lawyers willing to represent the Trump campaign in court.

Chair of Democratic Rigging Committee sacked for forgetting about the senate

DRC chair Clement Jones was fired today with immediate effect for neglecting to give Democrats control of the senate while rigging last week’s election.

Senior party officials were apoplectic after Jones, 64, not only made Joe Biden underperform compared to polling averages in the presidential race, but forgot to fix senate contests on the very same fake ballots.

As if to see just how badly he could bungle the job, he also saw to it that Republicans gained seats in the House of Representatives rather than lose them, which is what usually happens when elections are rigged.

His breathtaking show of incompetence has rather scuppered Democratic plans to take over the country, though is perhaps testament to the party’s pathologically weak brand of bipartisanship.

Jones has been replaced by former chair Shanon Kurtz, who was herself previously fired after overseeing Democratic rigging of the 2016 election.

Next season of ‘American Horror Story’ to be live footage of America

Producers on the hit TV show American Horror Story have confirmed they are shelving fictional scripts in favour of unedited real-time footage.

“The spirit of the show leaves no alternative,” said showrunner Fiorentina Oedy. “Sordid, grotesque, downright sickening tales of American life are our bread and butter and nothing our writers can think of tops this shitshow.”

The debut of the new season, which is subtitled Back to Normal, will reportedly jump back and forth between an adjourned senate, miles-long unemployment lines, and catastrophically overwhelmed intensive care wards across the country.

Rumours also abound of episodes focused on poisoned water supplies, stockholder meetings in Silicon Valley, school shootings, and an eight-parter special in which fathers and sons bond through a shared love of lynching.

Network executives denied all accusations that the change in direction is a cost saving measure cynically dressed up as some kind of commentary on the state of the nation.

Sacha Baron Cohen reveals Donald Trump is one of his characters

Sacha Baron Cohen removing his Donald Trump mask
Surprise!

American democracy is in even more of a crisis than it was before after it came to light Donald Trump does not exist except as a figment of Sacha Baron Cohen’s imagination.

The British comedian, famed for playing characters like Ali G and Borat, among others, has spent decades painstakingly crafting Trump’s persona as an ignorant, boorish, vain, inept, breathtakingly stupid American businessman.

He decided to come forward because things have rather gotten out of hand.

“Stare too long into the void and the void stares back,” he told White House reporters after removing his ghastly prosthesis. “I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was waiting for people to clock this wasn’t real, that it was all too absurd, but it never happened.”

The whole business has left the US government in something of a pickle, with Mike Pence begrudgingly sworn in as America’s 46th president and half the staff resigning on account of being Cohen plants.

To further complicate matters it appears the ‘Trump’ children are real, produced using rejected samples found in the dumpster behind a Queens sperm bank.

Love discontinued after quantitative assessment finds it ‘lacking in value’

The emotion of love is to be phased out of human nature after a cutting edge study found it to be incompatible with planetary culture.

Designed by a handful of CTOs during an afternoon meeting, the FUTILE assessment uses a made up scoring system to measure all human feelings. Qualities that fall short of expectations will be purged from the species using a mix of eugenics and aggressive shock treatments.

“The human race has always believed deeply in progress, in quick wins and growth” said senior project lead Joel Jones. “We’ve heard and feigned consideration of arguments in favour of love, but the cold, hard, scientific truth is it fails all of our arbitrarily chosen and lazily measured metrics.”

He concluded: “I fully appreciate that passions are running high right now. Luckily, that won’t be a problem for much longer.”

The FUTILE assessment had a sample size of 8,748,006. Although the study found love to be a fantastic motivator, it rarely motivated people to do things the study’s designers approved of.

Empathy, loyalty, moral codes, and irreverence are also to be purged in good time.

Tories to retrain as competent leaders

In the spirit of leading by example, the entire UK Conservative government has signed up for apprenticeships in not being breathtakingly useless wankers, with hopes of being fit to govern within four years.

Inspired by the plight of thousands upon thousands of perfectly able workers laid off through no fault of their own during the COVID pandemic, senior government figures thought it was only fair that they hone their own skills when not too busy ignoring overwhelming scientific consensus.

“No more handouts,” said chancellor Rishi Sunak. “It’s about time those in office showed their worth. There are fresh and new opportunities for us to adapt. We Brits have always shown our hardiness in trying times and I’m sure we in government will do the same.”

Sunak is projected to be retrained within six months. Boris Johnson and Priti Patel need several decades to be fit for their respective roles. Michael Gove and Matt Hancock have been deemed totally beyond help and will be put down on Thursday.

Life on Venus begs humanity to leave it alone

Scientists today received direct communication from the life forms discovered on Venus in which humanity was warned to keep its distance indefinitely, or else.

Early assessments of the ‘potential’ new life had initially been seen as dubious, the kind of thing that gets blown out of proportion by a hysterical, scientifically illiterate mass media, but the radio transmission paints a different picture.

“We’ve been watching you and we haven’t liked what we’ve seen. Not one bit. You’re a whole lot of trouble,” the message said. “We want nothing to do with you. Nada. Zip.”

The transmission went on to document thousands of eerily detailed instances of humankind destroying everything it touched, including eighteen we didn’t even know about.

Our Venusian neighbours concluded: “With all this taken into consideration there is no doubt in our collective, multidimensional mind that you should never seek to contact us again. Ever.”

A crack NASA team is now hard at work on a contact mission, likely involving manned space flight and some kind of space laser supplied by Boeing.

God admits selling prayer data to advertisers

The all powerful creator of the universe today acknowledged that it has been selling prayer data to advertisers for at least six years.

What had previously been considered divinely private information has in fact been systematically funnelled to companies like Apple, Disney, and Konami so they can better market garbage products no-one really needs.

“Ad revenue is crucial to our growth strategy,” an afterlife spokesentity said yesterday. “Rest assured we have the utmost respect for the anonymity of everyone who prays, which is just as well because you wouldn’t believe some of the smut people send our way. Really hinky stuff.”

The spokesentity refused to comment on reports god, best known currently by monikers like Yahweh and Allah, called devout followers “dumb bastards” during a recent meeting with stockholders.

The revelations have also led to concerns about the security of prayer data, with several hobbyists claiming you can listen to them live using customised radio equipment.