Tech giant Apple has hit back against criticism of new terms and conditions giving the company free reign to break the legs of App Store users who don’t pay additional fees.

The changes to the 34,000-word contract were rolled out last night, with app makers compelled to opt-in to handing over an additional 20% of their profits or else live with the legally protected consequences.

“We’re all friends here,” said CEO Tim Cook while idly swinging a baseball bat with a rusty nail hammered through it. “No one needs to get hurt.”

Other acts of retribution protected in the new policy are arson, forcible removal of major organs, and seven especially horrible types of biochemical warfare.

When asked how such changes could even exist in the face of EU legislation intended to level the playing field, consumer rights expert Paul Sap simply shrugged and walked off.

Rishi Sunak yesterday hit back against critics of leaked Tory proposals to send refugees and asylum seekers into outer space in rockets, calling the backlash “hyperbolic and absurd.”

Documents found in a central London drug den last week revealed secret government plans to appease xenophobic voters - playfully referred to as ‘xenos’ - by cramming newly arrived refugees into rocketships and sending them into Earth’s orbit.

“It’s not as bad as it sounds,” Sunak said at the second of five emergency press conferences held yesterday. “The rockets would come down eventually and their passengers would be able to start building new lives wherever they land.”

Around 30,000 have crossed the English Channel by boat in 2024, according to the Home Office, while legal migration for the year is projected to hit 745,000.

When pushed on the costing for the project - at least £8 billion - and whether it might be cheaper, simpler, and altogether better for the soul to assimilate people trying to build a better life, Sunak laughed nervously and said, “Next question.”

Leader of the opposition Keir Starmer vaguely condemned the plans while refusing to rule out the possibility of doing the same thing himself.

The film watching public has been left furious by the revelation that Kurt Bilindeross, star of the upcoming film Pumpkin Pache, is not in fact a pumpkin himself.

What’s more, he isn’t orange or looks good after being disembowelled and having a lit candle placed inside him. He’s not even a vegetable for god’s sake.

“It’s a disgrace, an insult to pumpkins everywhere,” said Jeff Lazings, a vocal social media activist. “I dare say it speaks to institutional prejudice in Hollywood.”

When informed that Bilindeross’s co-star Linda Soot is also a human and not a sentient bucket as her casting suggests, Lazings for a time became speechless with rage and had to sit down.

“It makes one despair,” he said after gathering himself. “How can audiences be expected to look beyond their own experiences when actors aren’t playing characters from exactly the same demographic as themselves?”

In addition to petitioning for the film to be scrapped, campaigners have proposed a vetting process whereby biopic films can only star the people they’re about, playing themselves.

The film industry has been left reeling by the revelation that a supposed surefire moneymaker rehashing the first film of [BELOVED FRANCHISE] has bombed at the box office.

Numbers released yesterday by Box Office Funk showed that a remake of [CLASSIC FILM] grossly underperformed during its opening weekend, rubbing salt in the proverbial wound after a series of breathtakingly scathing reviews.

“I just don’t get it,” said studio head Willam B. Bland. “People loved the film the last time we made it. Why they aren’t flooding into cinemas to watch an inferior version is beyond me.”

Hopes had been high that the film, which reimagines [CLASSIC FILM] using stop motion animation and features a star-studded cast of non-voice actors, would be a runaway hit and lay the groundwork for even more remakes.

Following crisis talks last night studio executives revealed a bold new direction for [BELOVED FRANCHISE] - shifting focus to prequels and origin stories for every single insignificant detail in the original films.

It is understood that all key decision makers will be retaining their positions and receiving a tidy bonus.

Heavyweight champion Tyson Fury retained his WBC belt last night with a professional display against a seven-foot tall can of finely chopped Italian tomatoes.

Fury, 34, kept his cool fighting in front of a Wembley crowd of 80,000 fans to win a split decision against the aluminium container, which was unable to put him under sustained pressure despite holding the centre of the ring for vast portions of the fight.

"It was a battle for the ages," Fury said afterwards. "The people in the crowd will be able tell their grandkids they were here tonight. That's priceless. This is another brick in the temple of my legacy."

There has been talk of an immediate rematch, but failing that Fury hinted he'd be interested in a fourth fight against home favourite Derek Chisora.

Steven Spielberg’s sci-fi film A.I. Artificial Intelligence is set to be completely reshot to reflect the realities of the technology, Warner Bros. announced today.

In the wake of the release of technologies like ChatGPT and Bard the consensus has been that the 2001 film had been far too generous in its depiction of androids, be they sex workers or neglected children.

“We were way off the mark,” said Spielberg in a statement released yesterday. “This decision may seem premature given the film is set in the 22nd century, but it’s already clear artificial intelligence is going to be much seedier than we’d imagined.”

A revamped version of the script leaked to the Whale-Lines reveals a number of crucial tweaks, including the ‘mecha’ robots inexplicably making things up and doubling down when called out on it.

The presence of love in the film - synthetic or otherwise - has also been edited out and replaced with more surface level gratification like sex and shopping.

Other dystopian elements from the original, like rising sea levels and the eventual extinction of the human race, have remained untouched.

George Orwell’s books and other writings are being rereleased without language and content deemed offensive by its publisher.

“We want to be sensitive to those who may find Orwell’s work unsettling,” said Simon & Schuster CEO Cleveland Drip in a statement released today. “These changes will make his works palatable to a whole new generation.”

Changes include new passages in Nineteen Eighty-Four about how O’Brien had to make pragmatic, tough choices in order to change Big Brother from the inside.

Meanwhile Boxer - the horse in Animal Farm - instead of being slaughtered at the knackers yard now lives happily ever after on another farm in the next town over.

Perhaps most egregiously of all, Orwell’s essay on how to make a good cup of tea has been changed to say that people should put milk in first. Sick. Just sick.

The Walt Disney Company completed its acquisition of the nation of Argentina today, the first step in what is expected to be a full South American takeover.

The $2.7 trillion deal was finalised after weeks of negotiation, with the Argentinian government keen to close after defaulting on the entire national debt.

Disney CEO Robert Iger said: “We couldn’t be more delighted to bring Argentina into the Disney family. We’ve been great admirers since their government became insolvent and are now looking forward to working together on magical new projects.”

These magical new projects are rumoured to include turning the northern half of the country into a theme park - provisionally called Disney Nation - and most of the southern half into an enormous sweatshop complex in which shoddy Disney products will be manufactured en masse.

Iger went on to assure nationals that there will be plenty of opportunities to find work dressed as various beloved Disney characters. Those unable to find employment will be liquidated.

Arms manufacturer Lockheed Martin has ‘drawn a line in the sand’ and axed its business connections with the artist formerly known as Kanye West.

Lockheed Martin, best known for its industry-leading drones and napalm bombs, has been under increasing to public pressure to condemn West’s recent comments.

“We do not tolerate antisemitism or any other form of hate speech. Mr West’s recent actions are totally at odds with the values of Lockheed Martin,” said CEO Mike Ghuflin in a statement that subsequent tests have shown was literally written in children’s blood.

Lockheed Martin, whose values include ‘Do What's Right’ and ‘Respect Others’, has long been leading voice in humanity’s quest to build a fairer, more harmonious world.

An estimated 13% of Lockheed Martin’s revenue last year was from its Yeezy line of carpet bombs.

Two tourists got more than they bargained for when they approached Canadian academic Jordan Peterson and asked him how to get to Union Station in Toronto.

Deeply moved by the question, Peterson burst into tears and began talking about mental health, mythology, and lobsters.

“It’s good of you to ask,” he said while failing to give any information about where the station may or may not be. “You can’t put a station in a box. None of us can. Who would really want to anyway? Who would be that sick?”

The tourists thanked Peterson for his time and got directions from someone else in time to catch their train.