The Dow Jones Industrial Average has overtaken Christianity as the majority religion in the United States of America, according to data released by the Census Bureau today.

Unquestioning, unthinking belief in the index has skyrocketed in recent weeks as the coronavirus pandemic has wreaked havoc on the global economy. Believers are generally hardcore, with many advocating mass human sacrifice in order to appease their Lord and Saviour Dow Jones.

“Man was put on this earth to prop up the stock portfolios of obscenely wealthy vulture capitalists,” a highly impressionable middle-aged protestor told The Whale-Lines while polishing a semi-automatic rifle. “I’ve seen the light and I know what must be done.”

Dow Jonesism’s meteoric rise has coincided with a sharp downturn in Christianity. This is largely due to the deaths of millions of believers who ignored lockdown measures, went to church, and drowned in their own fluid around two weeks later.

It is understood that the newly vacated megachurches will be used to deliver sermons on Ayn Rand’s writings. Non-Dow Jones related issues like poverty, hunger, climate change, money in politics, press freedom, deforestation, mass extinction, and genocide will continue to be ignored.