Breakthrough: New AI says make your own art, asshole
Researchers hailed a watershed moment in artificial intelligence this week as a new chatbot started telling self-styled AI artists to go fuck themselves. [...]
'Data-driven' boss suddenly more of a 'gut' guy after data shows him to be wrong about almost everything
Inspiring leader and forward thinker Kelsey Monroe of Gizmify Inc made a swift switch to 'trusting instincts' earlier today after hard data showed his most deeply held convictions to be objectively wrong. [...]
Keir Starmer defends ‘gift’ of £5 million delivered to his house by fleet of trucks
Keir Starmer has rubbished suggestions that a recent ‘gift’ of £5 million from various bank CEOs could constitute a conflict of interests. [...]
‘He was always nice to me’ says passing acquaintance of mass murderer
The mystery surrounding convicted serial killer Ed Vance stepped up a notch this week with the revelation that someone who barely knew him thought he seemed ‘a decent enough guy.’ [...]
Journalist clears email inbox
For seven glorious minutes, Gloria Stynham of The Silverton Bugle had an empty email inbox yesterday. [...]
Sunak apologises for stealing candy from a baby
Rishi Sunak today issued an apology for snatching a chocolate bar from a toddler's hands during a bizarre campaign event in Durham yesterday afternoon. [...]
Sunak defects to Labour, Starmer to Conservatives
Pre-election preparations continued today as Prime Minister Rishi Sunak joined the Labour Party and Keir Starmer switched to the Conservatives. [...]
Apple defends new App Store ‘protection fees’
Tech giant Apple has hit back against criticism of new terms and conditions giving the company free reign to break the legs of App Store users who don’t pay additional fees. [...]
Sunak defends leaked plans to launch asylum seekers into space
Rishi Sunak yesterday hit back against critics of leaked Tory proposals to send refugees and asylum seekers into outer space in rockets, calling the backlash “hyperbolic and absurd.” [...]
Outcry after it turns out voice actor isn’t actually a sentient pumpkin
The film watching public has been left furious by the revelation that Kurt Bilindeross, star of the upcoming film Pumpkin Pache, is not in fact a pumpkin himself. [...]
Shock, dismay as film remake nobody asked for turns out to be a pile of hot garbage
The film industry has been left reeling by the revelation that a supposed surefire moneymaker rehashing the first film of [BELOVED FRANCHISE] has bombed at the box office. [...]
Tyson Fury beats giant can of chopped tomatoes on points
Heavyweight champion Tyson Fury retained his WBC belt last night with a professional display against a seven-foot tall can of finely chopped Italian tomatoes. [...]
Spielberg’s ‘A.I.’ to be remade but 50% stupider
Steven Spielberg’s sci-fi film A.I. Artificial Intelligence is set to be completely reshot to reflect the realities of the technology, Warner Bros. announced today. [...]
George Orwell books to be rereleased without 'problematic' content
George Orwell’s books and other writings are being rereleased without language and content deemed offensive by its publisher. [...]
Disney completes acquisition of Argentina
The Walt Disney Company completed its acquisition of the nation of Argentina today, the first step in what is expected to be a full South American takeover. [...]
Lockheed Martin cuts ties with Kanye West over anti-Semitic remarks
Arms manufacturer Lockheed Martin has ‘drawn a line in the sand’ and axed its business connections with the artist formerly known as Kanye West. [...]
Jordan Petersen breaks down in tears after being asked for directions to the train station
Two tourists got more than they bargained for when they approached Canadian academic Jordan Peterson and asked him how to get to Union Station in Toronto. [...]
Demand grows for competent tyrants
The huddled masses of the world are pining to be under the thumb of better despots, according to a new survey published by the University of Bristol yesterday. [...]
Keir Starmer denies having Jeremy Corbyn edited out of old Labour photos
Labour Party leader Keir Starmer has brushed off claims that Jeremy Corbyn has been purged from the party’s recent history. [...]
Matt Hancock apologises for fucking your wife
Former British health secretary and international sex symbol Matt Hancock today issued a formal apology for making sweet love to your missus at the height of lockdown. [...]
Tyranny in freefall as conspiracy theorists redirect ire at real problems
Humankind may finally be on the path to peace and prosperity after conspiracy theorists around the world refocused their energies on despotic governments, sinister corporations, tax havens, and other real problems that actually exist in the real world. [...]
UK Labour Party releases policy-free manifesto in bid to broaden appeal
Sir Keir Starmer wowed his political consultants today by publishing a 90-page Labour manifesto without a single concrete policy position in it. [...]
Actors hired by Amazon to impersonate happy workers petition to form union
Thousands of actors employed by Amazon to impersonate happy warehouse workers moved to unionise today, citing poor pay and non-existent health insurance plans as key motivators. [...]
Podcast population growth ‘out of control’
The current rate of new podcasts being created is unsustainable and will surely lead to humanity’s ruin within 30 years if left unchecked, top scientists have warned. [...]
Figurative corruption probes to be replaced with very real anal probes
Watchdog organisations around the world today announced plans to step up their investigative processes by replacing strongly worded disapproval with strongly applied rectal equipment when dealing with silk collar criminals. [...]
Biden administration to distribute two thousand one-dollar checks
Making good on their campaign promise of ‘two thousand dollar checks’ the Democrats today passed emergency legislation to give one-dollar checks to 2,000 lucky Americans. [...]
Shock, dismay as [ACTION] leads to [CONSEQUENCE]
Millions are reeling - positively reeling - as [CONSEQUENCE] began to make itself felt following [ACTION]. [...]
Third Reich accused of being antifa false flag operation
Suspicions are growing that Nazi Germany, the totalitarian regime responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of people, was actually an antifa false flag operation. [...]
Marie Antoinette cloned, clone given New York Times op-ed column
Former monarch Marie Antoinette of France has been successfully cloned using DNA samples, with the copy quickly landing a cushy gig writing sublimely out of touch verbal vomit for The New York Times opinion section. [...]
Hollywood announces 184 new biopics
Ever pushing the envelope, leading film studios yesterday revealed plans to release a cheap, cynical biopic every other day in 2021. [...]
New BBC ‘impartiality’ rules ban staff from saying genocide, human trafficking, Coldplay are bad
After years of subjugation the turkeys have risen up and seized control over all life on Earth, and declared Christmas over forever. [...]
Turkeys overthrow humanity, cancel Christmas
After years of subjugation the turkeys have risen up and seized control over all life on Earth, and declared Christmas over forever. [...]
News to be replaced with Choose Your Own Reality services
Original reporting that unearths and shares ugly truths in the public interest is to be phased out of all media and replaced by ‘less challenging’ interactive formats. [...]
Brilliant, enigmatic young detective fails to solve murder
The Midlandtown Police Force was left rather deflated today after it became clear their star investigator was stumped by his most recent case. [...]
Humiliation fetishists flock to Trump campaign lawsuit teams
Hack law firms around the United States have been swamped with applications from BDSM enthusiasts keen to partake in the breathtakingly public humiliation of licking the outgoing president’s boots in court. [...]
Chair of Democratic Rigging Committee sacked for forgetting about the senate
DRC chair Clement Jones was fired today with immediate effect for neglecting to give Democrats control of the senate while rigging last week’s election. [...]
Next season of ‘American Horror Story’ to be live footage of America
Producers on the hit TV show American Horror Story have confirmed they are shelving fictional scripts in favour of real-time documentary footage. [...]
Sacha Baron Cohen reveals Donald Trump is one of his characters
American democracy is in even more of a crisis than it was before after it came to light Donald Trump does not exist except as a figment of Sacha Baron Cohen’s imagination. [...]
Love discontinued after quantitative assessment finds it ‘lacking in value’
The emotion of love is to be phased out of human nature after a cutting edge study found it to be incompatible with planetary culture. [...]
Tories to retrain as competent leaders
In the spirit of leading by example, the entire UK Conservative government has signed up for apprenticeships in not being breathtakingly useless wankers, with hopes of being fit to govern within four years. [...]
Life on Venus begs humanity to leave it alone
Scientists today received direct communication from the life forms discovered on Venus in which humanity was warned to keep its distance indefinitely, or else. [...]
God admits selling prayer data to advertisers
The all powerful creator of the universe today acknowledged that it has been selling prayer data to advertisers for at least six years. [...]
Vince McMahon wins presidential debate with devastating top rope finish
Registered voters say Vince McMahon was the clear winner in 2020’s first presidential debate, with the WWE chairman and CEO putting in an imperious display against Donald Trump and Joe Biden. [...]
Person learns from mistake
A humble Illinois carpenter made history yesterday by becoming the first human this millennia to genuinely learn from a mistake. [...]
UN recognises PowerPoint presentations as torture
Long, boring, corporate jargon-filled PowerPoint presentations are at long last a recognised form of torture, the United Nations announced today. [...]
USPS mail collection boxes replaced with incinerators
All United States Postal Service letter collection boxes in the US have been replaced with incinerators disguised as letter collection boxes, the inspector general confirmed today. [...]
EXCLUSIVE: Q of the Q Continuum behind QAnon
In a classic case of mischief making, it turns out the Q behind QAnon is none other than Q of the Q Continuum. [...]
Lizard people furious no-one takes them seriously any more
Lizard people of the world are in the midst of an identity crisis after years of whack job conspiracy theories have turned them into figures of fun. [...]
Surgeons protest ‘tyranny’ of surgical gloves
The world’s leading surgeons have revolted against the expectation that they wear surgical gloves during operations, calling them ‘instruments of a deep state plot.’ [...]
Closer inspection of Elon Musk’s new ‘Uberwheel’ shows it’s just a unicycle with LED lights on it
Elon Musk is under fire after his supposedly ‘revolutionary’ new product was exposed as a centuries-old idea with light blue LED lights glued on. [...]
Russia shrugs off 58% vaccine fatality rate as ‘collateral damage’
Reports that Russia’s new COVID vaccination kills more than half of those who receive it have been dismissed by the Kremlin as hyperbolic. [...]
REVEALED: Vanquished Martian invaders refused to wear masks
The Martian aliens that terrorised humankind before succumbing to infections died totally needlessly, new evidence revealed today. [...]
Whistleblower treated with dignity and respect
Jessica Jenkins, the woman who blew the whistle on sinister, unconstitutional behaviour in the CIA, has been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for services to democracy. [...]
Senate passes Motivational Posters Act to address crisis
Millions of Americans will receive ‘Hang in there, Baby’ posters as part of a new stimulus package passed by the US Senate earlier today. [...]
Sisyphus rebranded as person arguing with relatives on Facebook
The mythical figure Sisyphus, best known for pushing a big rock up a hill for eternity, has been rebranded as a person arguing with insane relatives on Facebook. [...]
Political debates to be replaced with literal fights to the death
Starting next week political debates of all kinds will be replaced by a gladiator-style combat between candidates. [...]
BREAKING: USA declares war on war
President Donald Trump formally announced the declaration during a rambling, largely improvised speech from the Oval Office earlier today. [...]
Shock, dismay as open letter changes absolutely fucking nothing
The world’s academics, philosophers, and self-appointed free-thinkers are really sad after their open letter about the Oxford comma had zero impact on how people behave and will continue to behave. [...]
Hare loses to tortoise after spending race arguing with rabbits on Twitter
The hare lost in a stunning upset to the tortoise today after wasting all its time and energy arguing with rabbits on the internet. [...]
Government runs perfectly after being sprayed with WD-40
UK democracy is running like a dream after it occurred to a Civil Service intern to try spraying it with the ever-reliable WD-40 spray. [...]
World leader takes a knee, does literally nothing else
Neoliberal sweetheart Anthony Bellow delighted media pundits today by taking a knee in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement before announcing his opposition to any and all structural change. [...]
Willy Wonka declares bankruptcy following string of legal defeats
Wonka had seemed untouchable, but four horrible children have been relentless in their quest for financial compensation after being subject to highly symbolic traumatic events. [...]
Journalists foiled by ball on string
The development is the latest in a string of journalistic failures, with leaders across the world attending press conferences with balls of yarn, throwing them near any reporters who ask difficult questions. [...]
Guy who does card tricks at parties finally gets laid
That bloke at social gatherings whose sole personality trait appears to be performing card tricks finally pulled some tail this week. [...]
Bob Dylan releases two-year, 17,408-verse song
Legendary singer-songwriter Bob Dylan released an epic new song last night, its runtime clocking in at two years, three months, seven days, four hours, and two seconds long. [...]
Declassified documents reveal Jesus returned, was assassinated by CIA
Christianity has found itself in a bit of conundrum this week following the revelation that Jesus Christ returned to Earth in the 1970s but was killed by government agents before he had a chance to speak to anyone. [...]
Book sales skyrocket as public invests in Zoom backgrounds
Printed book sales have increased by 247% in the last three months, according to statistics released by the publishing industry. [...]
Nancy Pelosi delights Democrats by wearing #Resistance pin during political capitulation
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi struck a hammer blow against the Trump administration last night by wearing a #Resistance pin while voting for the Gut Civil Liberties Act. [...]
Clumsy DJ drops mixtape in river
Aspiring Michigan DJ Leonard Fleming was mortified yesterday after dropping a shit hot mixtape in the Detroit River by mistake. [...]
Trump sarcastically nukes Canada
President Donald Trump got one over on the liberal media yesterday by eviscerating all life in Canada with dozens of nuclear bombs. [...]
Satire returns after satirists take badly to real world
The genre of satire is back, baby, after millions of writers and comedians recoiled from the prospect of doing honest work for the rest of their lives. [...]
Obituary: Baxter
Baxter the cat, 11, passed away last week after getting into an ill-judged fight with a fox. [...]
Obituary: Mittens
Mittens the cat, 8, passed away last week after a very, very brief battle with a moving truck. [...]
Satire discontinued following Trump’s latest press conference
The genre of satire has been formally retired after President Donald Trump suggested injecting household cleaning products as a treatment for coronavirus yesterday. [...]
Dow Jones surpasses Christianity as USA’s most popular religion
The Dow Jones Industrial Average has overtaken Christianity as the majority religion in the United States of America, according to data released by the Census Bureau today. [...]
Not having tattoos now cooler than having them, scientists say
Those without tattoos are now officially edgier than those with them, according to an extensive new study published by the Technical University of Munich today. [...]
Relief as only normal porn found on pope’s hacked computer
The Catholic Church breathed a collective sigh of relief today after it was revealed Pope Francis’ hacked computer only contained run of the mill smut. [...]
Ted Cruz melts after intern spills water on him
A national holiday has been declared following the unexpected demise of Texas senator Ted Cruz, who melted into a pile of mush after an intern spilled bottled water on him this morning. [...]
DC elites successfully moved to Truman Show-like dome
The American people are preparing for a bright and beautiful new chapter now that the entirety of Washington DC’s ruling class has been safely contained in a dome much like that featured in the hit motion picture *The Truman Show*. [...]
Democrats ‘unconcerned’ by reports Joe Biden is the Zodiac Killer
The Democratic Party ‘could not be more behind’ presumptive presidential nominee Joe Biden despite pretty compelling evidence that he is guilty of murdering at least seven people. [...]
Hayao Miyazaki announces new films at retirement party
Legendary filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki surprised absolutely no-one last night by admitting he would direct at least three more Studio Ghibli feature films. [...]
Ironically vain Instagram star gets ironic nose job
Tongue-in-cheek Instagram user Brandy Earhart stepped things up a notch today by getting a rhinoplasty. [...]
Dakota Johnson’s feet land starring role in next Tarantino picture
The main character of Quentin Tarantino’s upcoming feature film will be portrayed by Dakota Johnson’s feet. [...]
Alabama to trial child armament scheme
Schoolchildren in Alabama aged seven and up will be issued sawn-off shotguns and buckshot ammo effective immediately, state officials have announced. [...]
Leftists lose election, claim future is theirs
Socialist leaders and activists were bullish after losing an eleventh consecutive national election, claiming a closer look at the demographics proves next time, next time, they would be victorious. [...]
COVID-19 LATEST: White House prescribes burying head in sand
The coronavirus could be on its last legs thanks to a new miracle cure unveiled by the US Government today: burying one’s head in the nearest available sand. [...]
Aliens abducted by Matt Bellamy
In a truly alpha move, rockstar Matt Bellamy stumped skeptics and naysayers alike yesterday by revealing he had abducted two little green aliens from outer space. [...]
UN passes resolution for pirates to be more whimsical
The United Nations has updated the Universal Declaration of Human Rights to mandate that all peoples have a right for their interactions with pirates to be charming and fun. [...]
Statue of Liberty deported to France
The Trump administration continued its crackdown on undocumented immigrants yesterday by shipping the Statue of Liberty back to France. [...]
Record low seven war criminals nominated for Nobel Peace Prize
Human rights groups the world over were elated yesterday when a mere seven war criminals were nominated for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize. [...]
Mosquito rights activists firebomb Raid factory
A mosquito rights group was behind last week’s industrial estate explosion in Bristol, police have confirmed. The attack killed 13 and hospitalised 57 more. [...]
Logan Paul apologises for detonating atom bomb as ‘prank’
YouTube personality Logan Paul has apologised for a ‘prank’ video in which he detonated a 34 megaton nuclear bomb in downtown Manhattan. [...]
Local man mistakes being bright for being exceptional
Layabout Whelan Jones yesterday came to terms with the fact that although he is relatively bright, he really isn’t all that great. [...]
Next FIFA game to add racist abuse controls
The next installment of the FIFA Football video game franchise will include a variety of racist controls, EA confirmed today. [...]
UK government announces plans to build two million unaffordable homes
Conservative party donor and housing secretary Winston Hutherforth III, Esq. vowed not a single one of the luxury builds will cost a penny below four million pounds. [...]
Perfect vacuum discovered in postmodernist college department
A whole new realm of astrophysics may have opened up with the discovery of a perfect vacuum in an Oregon university humanities department last week. [...]
Star Trek spin-off ‘Keeping Up with the Cardassians’ confirmed
A new Star Trek series focusing on the lives of a Cardassian family was announced by CBS today at a celebratory party in Los Angeles. [...]
Well-intentioned, policy-free petition reaches 27 million signatures
Sensible people across the world are imploring policy makers to act after a petition calling for people to be nicer to each other neared 30 million signatures yesterday. [...]
Oasis reunite for car park brawl
Legendary rock brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher succumbed to pressure from fans and met yesterday for a punch up in a Tesco parking lot in London. [...]
Scientists generate electricity from George Orwell spinning in his grave
Researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology made history yesterday by successfully harnessing electricity from George Orwell spinning in his grave. [...]
Nick Clegg hired as spokesperson for North Korea Tourism Agency
Former deputy prime minister Nick Clegg revealed today that he is leaving his role at Facebook in order to serve as chief spokesperson for the North Korea Tourism Agency. [...]
Apple accuses architect of designing HQ ‘built to collapse’
Apple is preparing to file a huge lawsuit against its contractor on Monday, accusing the firm of designing offices with ‘planned collapsibility.’ [...]
Jeremy Corbyn apologises for saying the road to Gulag was paved with good intentions
Labour leader Jeremby Corbyn issued a formal apology today for suggesting Soviet labour camps were well-meaning schemes gone awry. [...]
Stewart Lee tells joke
The comedy world was left reeling last night after ‘‘‘comedian’’’ Stewart Lee told a joke during one of his standup routines. [...]
Twelve unpublished novels found in Harper Lee’s glove compartment
Tonja Cart, the Lee estate’s executor, also claims to have unearthed two graphic novels and a Netflix miniseries script. [...]
Chelsea Clinton’s unborn child announces Senate run
The unborn child of Chelsea Clinton has confirmed its plans to run for the Rhode Island junior senate seat next year. [...]
Jacob Rees-Mogg under fire for wearing 18th century silk pyjamas in Parliament
The right honourable Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. has shrugged off criticism following his appearance in the House of Commons yesterday dressed in blue and white striped pyjamas. [...]