The coronavirus could be on its last legs thanks to a new miracle cure unveiled by the US Government today: burying one’s head in the nearest available sand.

A painfully out of his depth President Trump revealed the new measures this afternoon during his daily press briefing. Two secret service bodyguards assisted pandemic advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci, 79, in a demonstration of the technique until he stopped moving.

“See?” Trump said. “Calm. Very very calm. Limp as a fish. Have you seen anyone so calm in your life? Not me, and I’ve seen some calm folks let me tell you.” Etc.

World Health Organisation (WHO) head Tedros Adhanom quickly condemned the treatment as “offensively uscientific,” going on to gently suggest the United States get its act together before thousands - if not millions - of people die.

WHO has since been designated a Foreign Terrorist Organization on account of violence against the Dow Jones Industrial Average.