The genre of satire has been formally retired after President Donald Trump suggested injecting household cleaning products as a treatment for coronavirus yesterday.

Writers and comics around the world have agreed it is pointless to continue and that we should all simply enjoy the company of our loved ones in the time left to us before humanity inevitably destroys itself and all other life on earth.

“It was a watershed moment, there is nowhere left for us to go,” said former comedian Eddie Blanche. “Something in me was extuingished that will never be rekindled. I do not yearn for death, but it is the only thing certain to me now.”

Cultural touchstones like Saturday Night Live, The Onion, and Private Eye have been discontinued with immediate effect. Henceforth The Whale-Lines will print cat obituaries and nothing else.