Original reporting that unearths and shares ugly truths in the public interest is to be phased out of all media and replaced by ‘less challenging’ interactive formats.

Under the new system viewers, browsers, and listeners will be able to select key details of unfolding stories and have content adjust to their preferences in real time.

Gunther Brock, head of the International News Coalition, which announced this change in direction yesterday, said: “This is the future of mass media. People don’t want to be informed, they want to feel safe, to be told they’re right regardless of what’s going on in the real world.

“Not alienating viewers with accurate information is something our shareholders feel very, very strongly about.”

If your sympathies are vaguely left wing, go to passage A. If your sympathies are vaguely centrist, go to passage B. If your sympathies are vaguely right wing, go to passage C.

A: This is entirely the fault of Rupert Murdoch and the swathes of drooling, inbred rural voters who don’t know what’s good for them but will absolutely sympathise with your politics if only you called them drooling, inbred racists more often. Other leftists are also largely to blame, of course, the goddamn bastards.

B: This is no-one’s fault. Fault implies right and wrong and there is no right and wrong, only the space inbetween. This is the case regardless of the topic. You are above the fray, because you are above other people. And probably quite well to do, so let’s not rock the boat too much eh?

C: This is entirely the fault of a pedophilic secret society of champagne socialist pizza delivery boys, orchestrated by the Clintons. Whatever it is, it’s communism, and we’re not going to say ‘urban centers’ are involved, but we’re going to mention them all the same.