A crack team of Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists responsible for holding power to account and safeguarding democracy were thwarted yesterday by a ball on a string, which distracted them from covering systemic police brutality.

This development is the latest in a string of journalistic failures, with leaders across the world attending press conferences with balls of yarn, throwing them near any reporters who ask difficult questions.

The sinister controlling forces of the world could hardly believe their luck upon the realisation that the world’s finest investigative reporters lose their collective minds when given the slightest invitation not to focus on important stories.

“It’s marvellous,” said top Republican and Democrat donor Keith Durham. “They totally lose sight of their responsibilities and focus on trivial nonsense, almost as if on command.”