Tech giant Apple has hit back against criticism of new terms and conditions giving the company free reign to break the legs of App Store users who don’t pay additional fees.

The changes to the 34,000-word contract were rolled out last night, with app makers compelled to opt-in to handing over an additional 20% of their profits or else live with the legally protected consequences.

“We’re all friends here,” said CEO Tim Cook while idly swinging a baseball bat with a rusty nail hammered through it. “No one needs to get hurt.”

Other acts of retribution protected in the new policy are arson, forcible removal of major organs, and seven especially horrible types of biochemical warfare.

When asked how such changes could even exist in the face of EU legislation intended to level the playing field, consumer rights expert Paul Sap simply shrugged and walked off.