The hare lost in a stunning upset to the tortoise today after wasting all its time and energy arguing with rabbits on the internet.

“The rabbits cost me this race,” the hare told a fawning press afterwards. “If only they’d kowtowed to my obnoxious, ignorant, condescending tweets, I’d have been victorious.”

Some other forest animals tentatively suggested that if the hare had simply run the race at a gentle pace it likely would have won comfortably. Such views have been widely dismissed as Russian meddling.

The tortoise, meanwhile, has sold the forest to private developers, who are scheduled to bulldoze all forest life next Thursday.