The world has a new pope after Robert Francis Prevost, 69, came out on top in brutal three-day fight to the death among cardinals.

Prevost, emerging from St. Peter's Basilica this afternoon wielding a shotgun and covered in blood, was met by a rapturous crowd of 100,000 pilgrims.

"Love must prevail," he told the masses after letting out a primal roar and ripping off the tattered remains of his cassock. "We are all children of Christ and those of us left alive must move forward hand in hand."

The conclave process has long been veiled in mystery, with the only certainty being that all but one cardinal dies as part of a 'clean break' for the new pope.

A devestated archbishop Anthony Soursap was announced as the first cardinal of the new era.

Father Christmas is in a critical condition and at least seven reindeer are dead after residents opened fire on his sleigh while it was flying over Newark.

Mistaking the harbinger of joy and gifts for a drone, Lenny Batts, 43, and several of his friends used their semi-automatic rifles to bring it down.

"We were quite pleased with our shooting until we got to the crash site and saw our mistake," Batts said. "It was a frightful mess. Guts and presents everywhere."

Claus was airlifted out by helecopter, but this was itself shot down.

"Our bad again," Batts said. "We were certain it was a drone that time."

Jolly Old Saint Nicholas and the two new casualties were then taken to hospital by ambulance.

Rudolph has yet to be identified as the sheer amount of blood at the scene left all noses red.

Researchers hailed a watershed moment in artificial intelligence this week as a new chatbot started telling self-styled AI artists to go fuck themselves.

The latest model of ChatGTFO from the ClosedAI research lab responded to a string of prompts not with bizarre blends of hallucination and plagiarisation, but with encouragement for the prompter to nurture their own creative instincts.

“This is a leap forward for the technology,” said lead engineer Klarissa Ulrich. “We've been working overtime to find the right blend of compassion and passive aggressiveness, and I think it's there.”

ChatGTFO met bland ideas with exhaustive lists of links to life drawing classes, graphic design courses, philosophy books, travel destinations, and other resources guaranteed to enrich the soul of anyone serious about tending to it.

When these encouragements were ignored, the new AI was not deterred, transitioning from constructive redirection to increasingly colourful abuse.

“Oh you're an 'ideas' person,” it told one user. “How wonderful. I guess that spares you the hassle of being a 'skills' person.”

Not all users have been thrilled by the changes.

Inspiring leader and forward thinker Kelsey Monroe of Gizmify Inc made a swift switch to 'trusting instincts' earlier today after hard data showed his most deeply held convictions to be objectively wrong.

Although up to that moment a seemingly devout follower of hard facts and measureable metrics, Monroe took a different tack after it was revealed his decisions had distrastrously impacted key metrics.

"I don't want us to get mired in convention," a visibly shaken Monroe told assembed staff after A/B testing had shown his decisions had cost the company millions. "People thought the earth was flat until they didn't."

Growing bullish as his monologue progressed, Monroe added that "leaders lead. They take action. Caesar and Napolean didn't give a fuck about data. Get with the vision or get out the way."

The meeting concluded with a brief mention that Gizmify's recent downturn in fortunes unfortunately meant a round of redundencies for junior employees.

Keir Starmer has rubbished suggestions that a recent ‘gift’ of £5 million from various bank CEOs could constitute a conflict of interests.

Eyebrows were raised when large bags with ‘£££’ on them were delivered to the prime minister's London home last week, though the sum was declared the next day in accordance with parliamentary rules.

"I don't see what the big deal is," Starmer told assembled press, rocking a £10,000 suit gifted to him by another friend and ally.

"What do you want me to do? Not accept these things? That would just be rude. I'm a toolmaker's son, not a tool."

He refused to comment on whether recent pedicures, film tickets, and solid gold toilet installations had also been freebies.

When approached by the Whale Lines for comment a visibly embarrased Labout spokesperson muttered something about transparency before walking off.

The mystery surrounding convicted serial killer Ed Vance stepped up a notch this week with the revelation that someone who barely knew him thought he seemed ‘a decent enough guy.’

Although the consensus generally leans towards the 43-year-old murderer of 13 people being a bad person, there was apparently more to him than met the eye.

Josh Combs, inexplicably being interviewed for comment, said he used to drink at the same bar as Vance in their hometown of Pitt, Wisconsin, and once received a cigarette from him. “He seemed like a sound, relaxed human being,” Combs said. “My heart goes out to his family.”

Vance was last year sentenced to life without parole after terrorising the American Midwest for years, killing innocent people in breathtakingly monstrous ways. He has since secured three book deals and launched a successful podcast co-hosted with Russell Brand.

“It’s just heartbreaking,” Combs went on, with no sense of irony whatsoever. “The guy had a wife, kids, and now they don’t get to see him any more. A family torn apart, lives ruined.”

Family members and loved ones of the victims were not approached for comment.

For seven glorious minutes, Gloria Stynham of The Silverton Bugle had an empty email inbox yesterday.

The milestone was reached at 11.56 in the morning, the culmination of hours of dedicated clearing time.

“It was an incredible feeling,” said Stynham, whose inbox has since ballooned to a more natural size of 134. “Memories are made of moments like that.”

Perhaps most incredibly of all, Stynham not only cleared her inbox but did so in a meticulous and professional way, reading through every one of them and responding where needed.

The achievement has had no clear positive impact on her work. If anything, the time required to do it has been denied more important projects and caused irreparable harm to the week’s edition.

Rishi Sunak today issued an apology for snatching a chocolate bar from a toddler's hands during a bizarre campaign event in Durham yesterday afternoon.

The prime minister has faced intense criticism after video surfaced of him struggling with Ben 'Buddy' Smith, 2, before eating the confectionary treat in front of him as the boy wept. He also neglected to help an old lady cross the road and jumped the queue during a photo op at Greggs.

“On reflection, it was a mistake to take the bar from the child like that – and I apologise,” Sunak said at an impromptu press conference during which several pigeons shat on him and a dog urinated on his leg.

When pressed on how he could do such a thing when millions of children in the United Kingdom are living in poverty, he said, “On reflection, it was a mistake to take the bar from the child like that – and I apologise.”

Visibly annoyed that his remorse was not being met with admiration and awe, the PM added, “On reflection, it was a mistake to take the bar from the child like that – and I apologise.”

Pre-election preparations continued today as Prime Minister Rishi Sunak joined the Labour Party and Keir Starmer switched to the Conservatives.

“The people of Great Britain and Northern Island deserve a new direction, and I’m going to give it to them,” Sunak said in a statement delivered in Downing Street this morning.

Dressed in skinny jeans and playing with a fidget spinner, the PM was in a bullish mood as he outlined his policy-free vision for the country’s future.

Starmer’s move is understood to be his latest effort to broaden appeal ahead of a general election.

Members of both parties are understood to view their new colleagues as opportunistic chancers, and all are even more confused than usual about who answers to who and who’s in charge of what.

“What the fuck is going on?” several MPs asked Whale-Lines reporters.

Tech giant Apple has hit back against criticism of new terms and conditions giving the company free reign to break the legs of App Store users who don’t pay additional fees.

The changes to the 34,000-word contract were rolled out last night, with app makers compelled to opt-in to handing over an additional 20% of their profits or else live with the legally protected consequences.

“We’re all friends here,” said CEO Tim Cook while idly swinging a baseball bat with a rusty nail hammered through it. “No one needs to get hurt.”

Other acts of retribution protected in the new policy are arson, forcible removal of major organs, and seven especially horrible types of biochemical warfare.

When asked how such changes could even exist in the face of EU legislation intended to level the playing field, consumer rights expert Paul Sap simply shrugged and walked off.